UnNews:Middle-aged white man dies from stroke while pronouncing young black woman's name

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24 November 2012

Stroke victim
White men are dying off due to black naming trends.

DETROIT, Michigan -- A 52 year-old man died early yesterday afternoon while conducting an interview for a new secretary, UnNews has discovered. The man, Adam Jones of Whitesville, was said to be in good health otherwise, after recovering from a heart attack two years ago. He had modified his diet and was running four times a week. Authorities are investigating, but currently they believe that no foul play was involved.

"Early reports indicate he was simply trying to pronounce the young woman's name, when he suffered a fatal, aneurysm-induced stroke", reported 62 year-old Police Captain Seamus O'Shaughnessy, himself winner of the last 62 'Irish Name of the Year' awards.

The woman in question is Shawanikiwita Abrams, a young African-American woman who had recently completed a community training program and was taking her first steps into a larger world. This was the first job she had applied to, and had immediately received a response.

"I had, you know, just finished the 'Leg Up' training program on Martin Luther King Boulevard, you know, learning good English and stuff, and I had been happy to have received a response so fastly" she mused.

This isn't the first time an African-American name has caused a stir. Things started escalating years ago with names like "Dae'Quan" and "Jrue", but then got out of hand when a white man, Michael Smith, discussing an African-American college football player with another white man, mistakenly thought he was being insulted and threatened when the second man incorrectly pronounced the player's name "Immafuqin Smaqu Smith" (actually properly pronounced: "i-MA-foo-kin SMA-koo"). He then beat the man unconscious. At the time it was considered an isolated incident, but this event has brought the discussion back to life. For his part, Jones' brother, John, was irate.

"I mean, is anyone doing anything about this? These black names? This is getting out of hand!"

According to those close to him however, the victim wasn't used to much cultural diversity in his life. Most of his friends and family had names of two syllables or less. Many believe a Xenophobic attitude to be the main contributing factor.

"I think it would have helped if he'd gotten out more" offered Chiquita Villagairosa, his previous secretary. "There were a few times when I thought he would choke on his tongue trying to pronounce my name."

Adam Jones, is survived by his wife Ann, and his two children, Ted and Joe.


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