UnNews:Microsoft develops immortal computing
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Microsoft develops immortal computing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, February 23, 2017, 09:25:UTC)(
25 January 2007
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RAYMOND, California -- Computer superbeing Microsoft patented the idea of
"immoral computing" "immortal computing" on monday, a range of technologies for communicating from and with the dead. This should see major improvements made to the blue screen of death for the first time in years.
Several people have expressed a hope that Steve Ballmer will be one of the first to test the new technology.
Bill "Pimp my XBox" Gates explained the Technology will span a number of different areas. The initial use is for sending emails to and from dead people, with Microsoft Orient Express expected to be released before the next full moon.
Microsoft analysts say they are also looking at gravestones as an outlet, and have released Microsoft Shallow Grave in an attempt to enter the lucrative burials market. Initial interest in the product was high, but Microsoft's message boards were soon flooded with people having problems with the new technology. "I tried to fucking bury Google", said one anonymous poster, "but all I got was this lousy T-Shirt and some broken hardware." However, this didn't appear to affect the initial uptake, with Netcraft confirming that every new gravestone will come bundled with Shallow Grave by the end of the year.
Gates also revealed that Microsoft is working on Microsoft GhostView, promoted by the company as its flagship software for immortal computing. "GhostView will be a fully featured séance suite, allows full communication with the dead in any medium. "Before now, you could only dream of uploading your suicide to YouTube," Gates explained, "with GhostView, we make that dream come true, and you can even send the video as a humourous email attachment around the office."
One of Steve Jobs' fanboys accuses Microsoft of stealing the idea from Apple, citing Jobs' rescuing of the near-dead Apple Corp. as prior art. Apple expressed "surprise" that the immortal computing patent was granted, and officially retaliated by banning all Microsoft employees from it's mochachino and blueberry muffin themed slumber party.
Linux users were also disgusted, with IRC chats filled with a larger number of Microsoft-directed insults than normal, padded by repeated claims that "Linux has run on dead badgers for ages." Linus Torvalds posted on the Wikitech-l mailing list, "what kind of name is GhostView!? We've been working with software like killall for ages."
Spammers are already said to be interested in the idea of sending spam from beyond the grave. "We've worked with zombie machines before," one claimed.
Pundit Chad Hurley said, "you will be fully able to synergise your user-generated content to the temporal landscape, and monetise spiritual assets within the blogsphere." Indeed, the porn industry is quoted as being "interested" in the idea, leading to speculations that an increase in snuff porn would flood onto the internet.
Senior Chief Inspector Sir Paul Condom also supported the new technology, stating that the technology would be employed in murder enquiries. It will also help in convicting those guilty of life insurance fraud.
- ALL CAPS "E-mail from the grave? Microsoft seeks patent on 'immortal computing'". Seattle PI, 22 January, 2007
- The Gospel According to Bill the Escapologist