UnNews:Microsoft declares war on Macintosh
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Microsoft declares war on Macintosh
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, November 25, 2015, 15:07:UTC)(
“I just can't stand those healthy, slim and sexy Macintosh people. They make us look like nerds and n00bs.”
On November 11, 2006, Rememberance Day, Microsoft declared an all-out war on the Macintosh Computer company, which is not known as Apple Computer. Over the past two years Microsoft has been beaten by Macintosh with its small products. However, Microsoft declared war today as they had taken enough harassment from their employees about how cool Mac looked and how dorky they looked by comparison. Since Microsoft stopped allowing most Mircosoft peripherals and software from working on a Mac, the Macintosh Company started pelting Microsoft under the terms that they are hiding viruses of mass destruction.
edit The Operation
Macintosh's operation "Apple Pelting" has been working amazingly well. As Microsoft was constantly under artillery fire of iPods, it gave Macintosh the time to develop their new weapon the iPod Video. This, like poison gas in World War I, is shot into enemy territory, where it plays pornography attracting all nerds and n00bs in the area. It then releases its killing blow. It plays Britney Spears's song Toxic, causing everyone to collapse and die, foaming at the mouth. The new iPod Video was first used in the Canadian Microsoft Headquarters, where there are massive deaths calculated to be over 130, approximately 1/3 of the Canadian Microsoft Combat Reserve.
edit Microsoft's Counter Attack
“I will initiate a two part plan. First I will send the stupid n00b employees to challenge the Macs to a game of risk, where the winner will get the other's company. Then after the game is confirmed I will spend the last 30 mintutes of the game reading through Uncyclopedia.”.
Currently 250 (approximately 98% of the Microsoft work force) is now working on a strategy. Rumor has it that the plan is to win but no one is sure. The Macs are not scared, they are confident anything that the Microsofts whip out will not be enough to beat them.
“Hey, they said that Windows ME was amazing, but we pretty much dickwhipped them there.”
edit The game of Risk
The game is scheduled to be played on November 18 2006 at 10:13 pm. The polls currently show that there is a 82.7% chance that the Macintosh Computer company will win the game of risk.