UnNews:Microsoft buys Switzerland
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Microsoft buys Switzerland
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 27, 2016, 06:38:UTC)(
28 November 2007
NEW REDMOND, Switzerland -- In a bold move by the company yesterday, leading software developer Microsoft purchased Switzerland for the claimed purpose of 'strategic duck operations'. The purchase is seen by analysists as a counter to last week's 'Mac Attack' where Apple spread a bushfire in the shape of their company logo across the entire continent of Africa.
Switzerland, who have been in financial distress ever since Napoleon spent all of the money and everyone just torrents wares from The Pirate Bay, sold their country (and souls apparently) to Microsoft for $6 Billion US. Microsoft quickly swept through with a legal team and has completely changed all laws and systems of leadership in the last fourteen hours. Homes suspected of using Mac were raided early this morning. Anyone found using the operating system or hardware was shot on site. The computers were then taken to a Microsoft lab to see, "How the hell those graphics work." Mass graves began cropping up all over the country to house the thousands of dead.
Microsoft also made a bid to combat iPod users in Switzerland, replacing all Apple iPods with Zunes. The outrage from consumers has been tremendous. Jessica Turnam reports from the streets of Zurich, where she has been speaking with outraged iPod users.
- "I just don't understand! This Zune does not have a circular touch wheel!"
- "Is that a big problem here in Zurich?"
- "What do you mean?"
- "Touch wheels. Without them, is your city in danger?"
- "...(Yes. - Ed)"
This move has cast a shadow of doubt over Microsoft's morals as a company. Has their bid to shutdown torrent sites like The Pirate Bay gone too far? Will they ever gain the trust of the Switzerlandic people as their totalitarian government? How many MS fanboys are their really in Switzerland? Who will be the first to assassinate Bill Gates?