UnNews:Mickey Mouse opens fight club in Disneyland

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Mickey Mouse opens fight club in Disneyland

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2 April 2016

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The lovable cartoon character denied that steroid use had changed his personality.

ANAHEIM, California -- Mickey Mouse has started a fight club, to regain his mousehood and to combat what he considers the cause of the societal disenchantment rampant all over Disneyland.

The venerable rodent explained that he is apprehensive with the growing materialistic consumerism at the Magic Kingdom and its merchandising as a way of life, as well as the imponderability of masculinity throughout its borders.

The therapeutic bare-knuckle brawls convene in secret, behind the Club 33 Tavern, an mysterious old pub in close proximity to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, who coincidentally comprise several of the chapter's members. The rules are the same as the San Diego chapter, which include "fighting without shirts or shoes, fighting until one person goes limp, and that first time attendees have to fight, and the most important rule, not to talk about the fight club."

Although the endeavor has attempted to remain secret, it has become evident in its members' physical appearances, in the form of scrapes, cuts, bruises, and a handful of broken bones. For example, in the initial fight club at the theme park, Mickey beat the living crap out of Goofy, and, in other club members' opinions, may have crossed the line. Goofy was in traction for two weeks.

"The Mickey Mouse Fight Club is not meant to glorify violence," said Goofy from his hospital bed. "It is really just a means for a connection to our innermost feelings, which we have been emasculated from by all the advertising and materialistic perceptions that society demands that we adhere to. Fighting is our way of struggling to resist the impulse to replace our self-worth with materialistic objects in lieu of experiencing the pain or true feeling that gets sacrificed when we deny our essence. Our culture commands that all that matters is your job, the kind of car you drive, and the things you have. That is not what defines you, we have forgotten who we are, so we fight to reconnect," he concluded.

Disneyland's police are trying to track down other members of the fight club. Mickey Mouse could not be reached for comment.

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