UnNews:Michelle Bachman discovered to be serial killer
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Michelle Bachman discovered to be serial killer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 10:16:UTC)(
29 June 2011
Washington DC, -- FBI Director Robert Mueller announced today that federal agents had finally caught up with the notorious "Iowa Slaughterer." The serial killer was revealed to be Congresswoman Michelle Bachman. Federal agents were led to investigate her by her statement, while announcing her presidential run, that "John Wayne" was from Waterloo (her hometown) and "that's the kind of spirit I want too."
"Her handlers tried to pass it off as stating she meant John Wayne the actor, rather than John Wayne Gacy the serial killer, but no one, not even a Tea Party member, is dumb enough to make that mistake." Mueller said. "This was the crucial piece of evidence we needed to get a search warrant for her house, where we discovered incontrovertible physical evidence of her heinous ways."
In addition to the usual accoutrements of a prominent conservative's home, such as Abu Gharib photographs with evidence of masturbation, home abortion kits, an illegal immigrant housekeeper chained to the radiator, thousands of 2000 Florida ballots indisputably showing Al Gore as the chosen candidate, Klu Klux Klan robes, copies of checks to supposedly "independent" scientists who spoke out against global warming and evolution, and the ashes of dozens of American flags, federal agents found eight human heads in Mrs. Bachman's freezer and three kidnapped children in cages in her backyard.
"We are currently uncertain about the status of her 23 foster children." Mr. Mueller admitted. "It is most likely that they perished after unspeakable tortures and rapes, and death came as a sweet relief, and are among the hundreds of victims currently being excavated from the swamp Mrs. Bachman owned under an assumed name. But it is also possible she took them on as apprentices in her vile deeds, and they are even now hunting down victims across this great land." He also chided reporters for believing the 'obvious lie' that none of the adoptees were available because of 'privacy concerns.'
The knowledge that Michelle Bachman is a heartless monster who murders without remorse for the sheer joy of it has already drastically increased her popularity among the kind of people who vote Republican to begin with.
"I was unsure about Bush in 2000." said one primary voter. "But then I found out that he'd cut the time he spent reviewing death penalty cases to fifteen minutes from thirty, and I knew he was the kind of heartless monster I want dominating me."