UnNews:Michele Bachmann decides making gays straight too hard; will now make them bi
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Michele Bachmann decides making gays straight too hard; will now make them bi
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 02:12:UTC)(
14 July 2011
Minneapolis, Minnesota -- A major change of policy was announced today by Michele Bachmann, a principal of Bachmann and Associates, a Christian counseling service that offers a treatment designed to change the sexual orientation of homosexuals to straight.
In the face of criticism from the psychiatric community, which found such treatments were ineffective, Bachmann announced today that gays would no longer be converted to straight by her business, but would be made bisexual, which should be easier and make all the psychiatric people shut up.
"We would like to be able to fix this problem, but right now this looks like the right path to take," said Bachmann "maybe after we figure out how to turn gay people bi, we will be on the way to figure out how to make them all the way straight!"
When asked what the treatments would consist of, Bachmann said "we do the thing where we give them an egg to take care of. It has nothing to do with anything, but that was what they did to me in high school so I stole the idea. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know after the press conference."
Guy Slaughter, local entrepreneur owner of Slaughterhaus, a business devoted to turning straight people gay, approached by this reporter for a counterpoint, was not available; his majordomo said he was indisposed due to a vitamin D deficiency caused by a mysterious egg shortage.