UnNews:Michael Vick secretly training canine linebackers
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Michael Vick secretly training canine linebackers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 31, 2015, 22:19:UTC)(
27 July 2007
ATLANTA, Georgia, USA — Famed NFL quarterback and all-around American hero Michael Vick has landed in hot water over his alleged involvement in underground pit bull fighting rings. However, according to current reports, the often brutal competitions amongst his nearly 50 pits was just the tip of the iceberg. The very sick, twisted iceberg. For though Vick trained his animals to be vicious killing machines, ready to tear an innocent kitten in half at the drop of a hat, this was a mere stepping stone in his grand scheme: a race of super pit bulls, capable of decimating the NFL's most skilled offensive lines.
It began as a harmless hobby: a few pit bulls kept as pets, beaten into submission for recreation and fun. But soon, Vick and his elite underground dog fighting unit known as Bad Newz Kennels amassed a virtual army of wild pit bulls, all ready to kill on command. The intense loyalty of the animals paired with their innate ability to slaughter nearly any foe greatly inspired Vick. During a speech presented to the National Association of Animal Abusers, Vick was quoted as saying "[The dogs] could tear through a piece of sheet metal 3 inches thick in like, a minute. Imagine what they could do to some pansy bitch caring a football!" Vick has pleaded not guilty.
The animal rights activist group PETA has been front-running campaigns against Vick and has been urging the NFL to suspend Vick indefinitely, despite Vick not having been convicted. "How dare he be entitled to a fair trial," stated Jack Ace, a PETA spokesman, "These crimes are horrendous." Ace later went on some long rant about how eating meat is immoral.
- Reuters "Michael Vick culls secret army of Schnauzer tight ends". TVNZ.com, July 27, 2007