UnNews:Michael Jackson not dead, M.J. Phone Home
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Michael Jackson not dead, M.J. Phone Home
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 22:13:UTC)(
30 June 2009
AREA 51 -- A prediction was made today by some psychic woman, who smells like burnt rosemary and owns a crystal ball, about some guy with glasses, large eyes and a retarded accent, who will be conspiracy theorizing about the death of Pop legend, Michael Jackson.
According to the psychic, who is known by her psychic blog name, The_Gypsey_1_2_3 and who practices her abilities through the use of a webcam and forums, the conspiracy theorist will be speaking at a conspiracy theorist gathering in Los Angeles sometime soon where he will be brainwashing other conspiracy theorists into believing that Michael Jackson, like Elvis Presley and Tupac, is not really dead.
According to The_Gypsey_1_2_3, he will be drawing attention to the fact that both Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley "so-called-died" from cardiac related stuff, which is too much of a coincidence for two musical genre kings. When The_Gypsey_1_2_3 was asked to elaborate more on the prediction, she said that another five dollars was required and that it could be paid online through the use of a credit card by clicking on the home page link that says, "Psychic Billing".
The fee was paid by the eager investigating journalists and The_Gypsey_1_2_3 continued with her prediction by informing them that the theorist will be drawing attention to the possibility that M.J. was moved to area 53 where he will be catching a flight with E.T. to his home planet, suggesting that M.J. is actually an alien, here to take over planet earth through the unexplained phenomenon we know today as "Pop Music".
The signs were all there, why didn't we see it?
Apparently the theorist will be very convincing when he tells his speech, especially when he discusses the fact that M.J.'s plastic surgery, which turned him from a black man into a white woman, was just a cover up story in order to account for the unexpected reaction he received from bacteria as a result of being an alien. Even movie makers have featured M.J. in alien movies in their efforts to send subliminal messages to the world about Michael's true identity. According to the conspiracy theorist in the prediction, the movies listed here contain the actual subliminal messages sent by certain unnamed organisations:
The first subliminal message sent in a movie, was the one out of a scene of the very alieny, "Men In Black" movie, in which Will Smith corresponds with M.J., who begs him to become an M.I.B agent, and in his eager requests suggests that he could be called "Agent M." Clearly the subliminal message was intended to inform viewers that he was in fact an alien requesting to become a human, but the world failed to see it and instead looked at it as humor, another possible invention, besides Pop of M.J.'s. on the otherhand, as he appears in most comedy films and jokes presently.
In Scary Movie 3, a movie based heavily on a famous alien movie known as "Signs" M.J is shown in a scene where he removes his white, plastic skin and disappears, as an alien being, into some crop fields or somewhere. Maybe even the roof. This scene is the second subliminal message sent to people in order to subtly let them know that Michael is actually an alien, according to the future theorist from The_Gypsey_1_2_3's visions.
A movie similar to this one, but completely unrelated, Scary Movie 4, which is based on another famous alien movie called "War Of The Worlds" shows M.J near a small group of huddled up children, trying to lure them away from their parents while earth is being attacked by aliens. Although people still think that this is associated with his sexual desires, it was intended to be yet another subliminal message, which failed in its efforts and instead let humor win again.
In fear of the Helter-Skelter
Many people ask, "Why would they need to send subliminal messages when they could just as well have invented a conspiracy theory when M.J. was still alive?" According to future conspiracy theorist man, people feared that if M.J. found out that people were onto him, (not literally) leading him to call in the real "Jackson five", then the consequences could have been severe and the last thing humankind needs with the current global financial crisis is for earth to be attacked by a whole group of moonwalkers.
According to the predicted theorist, the subliminal messages all failed and added to M.J.'s publicity, by feeding the stereotypes and humor which had developed from young children's confusion after he confided in them the truth about his existence, in an effort to be understood by the human race, and misperceived by parents as creepy sexual tendencies. The unfortunate result was that M.J. became a media target (those bastards), and in an obscure way it suited him fine, because it drew the attention away from the real truth of him being from "Green Planet."
The end result of the cam conversation was that conspiracy theorists will all end up causing more helter-skelter schemes like Charles Manson did and they will all be living underground, believing in the apocalypse in fear of M.J. returning to execute his plan to take over the world after half a century of scheming.
All we can do now is wait patiently, with our ears and minds open for the sound of the clicking of a finger, the scraping of a shoe and the high pitched sound of the familiar scream, "ooh-hee-hee!...OUW! I love you!"
- The_Gypsey_1_2_3 "Know your future before it comes back to kick you in the ass". Blog Bullshit, 08 08, 2008