UnNews:Michael Jackson eulogizes James Brown

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1 January 2007

Jackasses

Wacko Jacko, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson mourn Wacko's late husband, James Brown

Augusta, GA - Michael Jackson took time out from his busy child molestation schedule to speak at the funeral of his her late husband James Brown, with whom the transsexual pop star had a lovechild, The Thing, whose remains are now a roadside attraction in Dragoon, AZ [1]. In a soulful eulogy, Jackson said, “James shared his soul with me.”

In an attempt to resurrect her departed lover, Wacko sang “Get Up,” but to no avail. Wacko told a stunned audience of Brown’s mourners how the godfather of soul, as Brown was also known, came by his nickname, “Mr. Dynamite”: “I gave him that nickname as an allusion to his explosive orgasms. James Brown had the most powerful climaxes imaginable; when he ejaculated, it was a 6.8 on the Richter scale.”

“He was a mighty powerful man,” fan Donna McCloud agreed, “a truly seminal influence on music around the world.”

“Who’s talking about music?” Wacko asked. “I’m talking about sex.”

The Rev. Al Sharpton was on hand at the funeral, and he tried to lead the distraught Wacko out of the chapel where her husband’s body was displayed inside a gold coffin, attired in the pair of black and red Speedos that Wacko gave him as an anniversary present following her pregnancy a month after the couple’s wedding. “You’re making an ass of yourself,” Sharpton warned Wacko.

Jackson bit the preacher-cum-politician, wailing to the crowd of mourners, “When I first laid eyes on him, I was head over heels in love, and when I saw him move, I was mesmerized. I‘ve never been on the receiving end of such a performer. James Brown, I love you so much.”

Anticipating an angry reaction from the audience, Sharpton defended Jackson, telling the crowd, “Sing along with Wacko as he tries to get one last rise out of James Brown. She’s going to sing ‘Get It Up’--I mean, ‘Get Up’--hoping to erect--I mean, resurrect--The Man.”

Jesse Jackson, who was also in attendance, looked horrified. “Sit down!” he hissed to Sharpton.

“Yo mama!” Sharpton retorted.

Wacko grabbed her crotch and began to sing.

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