UnNews:Michael Jackson dead- two people mourn
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Michael Jackson dead- two people mourn
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 9, 2016, 11:58:UTC)(
26 June 2009
edit Michael Jackson's fans send him off
Yesterday, Michael Jackson was pronounced dead after an apparent cardiac arrest. As soon as this was made public, many of his fans went to his Santa Barbara residence to
steal his property say goodbye. Soon after arriving, many of them began singing and dancing. When one of the mourners/partyers was asked about this, they said: "We're here to celebrate the music of his life... or some shit." Soon after saying this, he hugged our interviewer tightly, called him the best friend he has ever had and collapsed on the floor. Not long after this, the hired DJ announced that it was time to: "Get this party started". The fans then ended the celebration by taking one last tour of Michael s house and taking many special memorabilia, including his T.V., the entire contents of his wallet and his wife. They also found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his lounge, and class 5C in his bedroom. Two of his Three children then left, saying: "we don't like this house, there are ghosts which hurt our butts!"
Michael Jackson has crossed many barriers, he was the first African-American to have music videos on MTV, he was an African-American male who became a white female after plastic surgery crossing racial, gender, and even sexual orientation lines. He loved to be with children all of the time in an unnatural and creepy way that nobody knew how to understand. He was accused of child molesting in 2005, but was found "Not Guilty" after a Dream Team of lawyers defended him by making sure that everyone in the Jury was an MJ fan, and it cost him most of his fortune.
After that Michael Jackson fell on hard times and one botched plastic surgery after another made him even more creepy looking (if that was even possible), he began to resemble some sort of space alien. After a few more surgeries, comparing an alien with Michael Jackson would have resulted in them instantly vapourising you. After that Michael Jackson hit the skids and spent what was left of his fortune on expensive medical bills and prescription medication, of which we don't know how far it went. He planned a 50 concert comeback tour after being $500 million in debt, but suffered a heart attack of unknown origins. The coroner test results will take four to six weeks to even be bothered to look at him. He has no intention of stopping, as he is making a fortune by renting his corpse to Necrophiliacs.
edit The aftermath
Many people are speculating about the future of Michael Jackson's music after this. There are several theories, which can be neatly summarized in the table below. Person's I.Q. What they believe should happen.
0 - He's not really dead, is he? Tell me it isn't true, mommy, tell me it isn't!!
50 - People will remember Michael Jackson and listen to his music for centuries to come.
100 - I'd better buy all of his songs from iTunes before they are all gone!
125 - With the sadness about Michaels music, sales will rocket and people might start remembering the good things he did.
150 - Meh, I'll just watch those news specials on Michael Jackson.
175 - I'd better head onto Limewire and download as much as I can!
180 - Those Albums will be going cheap, and I need something to prop up the kitchen table.
250 - Michael Jackson is not worth my time to mourn. Circle of life and all that.
2755 - I'm too busy trying to invent new theories and technologies to save the world, than to stop and mourn Michael Jackson's death.
Many other questions have been asked, such as who will replace Michael Jackson as the King of Pop? The answer to that is simple: no one.
edit The funeral
Michael Jacksons funeral is expected
as soon as the Coroner can be arsed to find out wether he had a heart attack. When it is finally finished, it is expected that the funeral will be held, again with a large amount of music and dancing (mostly on his grave). Many people will hurry to see Michael Jackson's face one last time, however, they need not worry as experts think that it will take his face several decades to decay. Many other experts doubt that they will have that long as his dying wish was to be made into plastic bags, so that he could continue to be white, plastic and dangerous to children.