UnNews:Michael Jackson alive and living in Tokyo
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Michael Jackson alive and living in Tokyo
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 04:48 (UTC)
29 June 2010
TOKYO, Japan -- Joe Jackson, father of pop sensation Michael Jackson, praised his son's personal physician, Dr. Conrad Murray, today at a press conference called to announce that "Jacko" is alive. "Dr. Murray has performed a great service to pop music," stated the elder Jackson, referring to his part in the scheme to fake Michael's death, put him in a state of suspended animation, and place his consciousness into a 19-year-old Japanese girl.
The "King of Pop" has suffered most of his life from a paralyzing fear of death that threatened to derail his career early on. "If only I were immortal, like Peter Pan," he has been heard to mutter many times over the years. His only relief came from a baroque and dazzling array of drugs and herbal treatments. Were it not for his team of medical professionals, working out of a strip mall in Houston, headed up by the now-famous Dr. Murray, Jackson certainly would never have produced such an enormous body of work.
"Ray Kurzweil of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology got involved on the technical end," Joe told UnNews during an awkward moment. "His work was instrumental in achieving effective immortality for my son." The insane inventor, who wrote the authoritative textbook The Singularity Is Bat Fuck, used his formidable engineering abilities to develop a kind of computer which can, in effect, upload, store, and download consciousness.
The Japanese girl, who wishes to remain anonymous, was a rabid MJ fan who could already perform much of Michael's repertoire fairly well in the shower when her consciousness was displaced. She has embarked on a few months of rehearsal and expects then to be proficient and ready to pick up the grueling schedule of public performances where Michael left off.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|