UnNews:Michael Jackson "out of time"; "ain't no second chance" paramedics say
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Michael Jackson "out of time"; "ain't no second chance" paramedics say
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 7, 2016, 00:54:UTC)(
25 June 2009
LOS ANGELES, California -- Legendary pop musician Michael Jackson died today in Los Angeles. Night creatures calling, the dead started to walk in their masquerade. There was no escaping the jaws of the alien this time, as they were open wide. This was the end of his life.
Close to midnight, something evil lurked in the dark outside Jackson's residence. Under the moonlight, he saw a sight that almost stopped his heart. He tried to scream but terror took the sound before he made it. He started to freeze as horror looked him right between the eyes, paralyzing him.
Jackson's death was a thriller night. Medics at UCLA Medical Center were unable to save him from the beast about to strike, knowing it was thriller, thriller night. Hospital technicians report Jackson was fighting for his life inside a killer, thriller tonight.
After reports of Jackson's demise surfaced, crews arrived to hear the door slam and realized there's nowhere left to run. Sources inside indicated Jackson felt the cold hand and wondered if he'd ever see the sun. He then closed his eyes and hoped that this is just imagination, all the while hearing the creature creeping up behind.
Paramedics who retrieved Michael Jackson from his home understood "there ain't no second chance against cardiac arrest, girl."
Fans camped outside the hospital were out to get him, the demons closing in on every side. They planned to possess him unless he changed that number on his dial. Devoted fans declared it was time for them "to cuddle close together, yeah, all through the night I'll save you from the terror on the screen."
"I'll make them see," one fan added.
News of Jackson's death thrilled fans around the world more than any ghost would ever dare try. Distressed, they agreed to hold each other tight and share a killer, diller, chiller, thriller there tonight.
Prior to confirmation of Jackson's death, darkness fell across Los Angeles. The midnight hour was close at hand. Creatures crawled in search of blood to terrorize the neighborhood in an incident that paralleled the Los Angeles riots of 1992.
Doctors who treated the King of Pop noticed the foulest stench in the air. The funk of forty thousand years and grizzly ghouls from every tomb closed in to seal Jackson's doom.
Though he fought to stay alive, his body started to shiver, for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller.
He was 50.
(Despite that this story was confirmed by paramedics, there is conspiracy theory that he had flue and choked on some phlegm. The paramedics apparently said "not to blame it on the boogie".)