|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
10 October 2010
Suburbs across America -- In a scene that is "far less heavenly" than expected, Michael Bolton recently sang the song "Broken Hallelujah" on Dancing with the Stars with a chorus of choirboys dressed in white.
While the on-air reception went over well, with some audience members actually clapping after the performance, the Associated Press reports that approximately 85 percent of the audience present at the performance has already committed suicide. Diana Myconex, one of the survivors of the ordeal, was able to explain the discrepancy.
"They threatened to shoot us if we didn't clap. In retrospect, I kind of wish they had. His singing still haunts my memory almost a week after the performance."
When asked about his performance, Michael Bolton said,
"I just don't understand it. I don't get why people always think my singing is so bad. I mean, I used a fog machine for effect and everything."
Susan Boyle was originally scheduled to sing for the show, but she had to cancel at the last minute because of illness. The producers of Dancing with the Stars struggled to find a decent replacement at such short notice. One former employee of ABC who was fired over the incident offered to interview with us anonymously.
"Even Macy Gray was busy, I mean, Macy fucking Gray. What was so important for her that she couldn't come over and sing on Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, what did she have going on, was she shaving her testicles or something?"
The former employee explained to us how Bolton was chosen as a replacement.
"We were running out of time and ideas. As a joke, I suggested Bolton. My boss, having never heard Bolton's music, chose him in a heartbeat before I could explain that I was joking. By the time I had the opportunity to tell him, it was too late to back down, because it was my idea and Bolton had already been called. Oh Lord, what have I done? I'm sorry everybody. I'm really, really sorry. I had no idea."
Bolton faces trial next Tuesday for manslaughter and assisted mass suicide.