UnNews:Michael Bloomberg Prepared to spend 1 Billion Dollars for White House
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Michael Bloomberg Prepared to spend 1 Billion Dollars for White House
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 29, 2017, 12:53:UTC)(
15 May 2007
Washington DC - President George Bush has officially placed the "for sale" stake in the nation's 1st front lawn today. A teary-eyed Barbara commented, "Oh-yeah, we're gonna get a good price for this place this time around."
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is said to be prepared to spend 1 billion dollars of his own money for the White House in the 2008 auction, according to Wikipedia.
Bloomberg is said to have 5.5 billion ga-jillion dollars and his closest advisers and friends have said he is prepared to spend 1 billion of it in a bid for the property. Also, his advisors say he has passed "GO" and has a "Get out of Jail Free" card at his disposal. So he is prepared to go around as many times as it takes.
McCain, who also is raising money for the 2008 bid, is having personnel problems. "Some of McCain's people have been calling me to see if Mikey is running because they are ready to leave the McCain campaign, which is a biplane on fire and spiraling down," the Bloomberg adviser said. McCain was not available for comment.
It is rumored that Bloomberg may attempt the same tactics that H. Ross Perot. Perot (Pronounced pee - rot), the Texas ga-jillionaire, ran in the 1992 presidential campaign a faux hostile take-over attempt, that was,in reality, a successful effort to evict George H.W. Bush out of the White House for failing to answer his phone call.
Bloomberg, although denying that he will enter the race, continues to tease the interest of the media. He has already stated that "Global warming" started in NYC and must be "stopped here." In addition, Bloomberg is an announced enemy of the tobacco and gun industry and is adding to his list the manufacturers of trans fats, including the Hostess Corp. maker of Twinkies. Bloomberg has secretly harbored a deep-seated hatred of the popular cake for decades. "Some say it's unreasonable, I say 'I can hate 'em if I want to!'" After all, there's no reason why human beings should smoke, have weapons or eat trans fats "when it doesn't suit my whim!"
A well-known champion of all underdogs - - except his own enemies list - - Bloomberg, a self-proclaimed "homosexualist," has appointed numerous gays as commissioners, and has advanced the cause of LAMBDA with the particular appointment of former LAMBDA official Martha Stark as Commissioner of the Department of Finance. She in turn has appointed as members of her executive staff hommosexuals from all walks of life. In a joint press conference they said "It's about time the straights understand what kind of pain they have inflicted on poor, oppressed gays." "We Queer! We're here ! and we're in your faaaace!!! joyfully exclaimed Bloomberg, Stark and their staffs in unison. "It's payback time" Stark quietly added with Bloomberg looking on approvingly.
Bloomberg is reportedly having a series of certified checks cut to the names of the most serious contenders in both political parties in the race as well as the Bushes. "I'm not going to run a half-baked campaign like that twit Perot," using the correct pronunciation. Bloomberg took pains to make the point that he "would not leave the little guy out" implying that several million smaller checks would be cut, but dated for after the Presidential election. "I think I can overcome all opposition to my ideas, including in the Middle East," he said patting his checkbook significantly.
What is most tantalizing is that in addition to a presidential run, it is also rumored that Bloomberg has spoken to Republican state Senate leader Joseph L. Bruno about a possible run for NYS governor. Bloomberg refused comment, but his press office commented "not for attribution" that there's no question in the Mayor's mind that he could easily do either job." But the Mayor has often made the amazing boast that he has "no doubt" he "could run the country and be New York's governor at the same time." Moreover, the Mayor's press office added that the Mayor could simultaneously run two campaigns, and win both offices because "it's only a bit more money."
The billionaire Mayor would have little trouble raising campaign funds. In the past the Mayor has refused matching funds because it would limit use of his own money. He is known to say that for him "campaign funds are like bottle deposit money to the average family." Bottle deposits in NYC are five cents a bottle or can.
In a past interview, Mayor Bloomberg has acknowledged that there are some who are not enamoured of him "But there are always stupid people in the world." He continued "Most people find money acceptable to convince them to do something they would not otherwise do, even if they don't like the source." He added "You can buy anyone off," he chuckled "that is, I can!
In addition to rumors of a presidential or governor's run, the Mayor has also been heard to be considering other ways to "kill time" after he leaves office as New York City's Mayor. He has said to close friends, "I could also be a fireman, or maybe a cowboy."
- "[ ]". [[wikipedia:|]], Mmmmm DD, YYYY
- "[ ]". [[wikipedia:|]], Mmmmm DD, YYYY