UnNews:Mice Humming with Bacteria
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mice Humming with Bacteria
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 06:50:UTC)(
27 June 2006
OMAHA, Nebraska -- A study released today by the Mathers and Johnstone Research Hospital shows that the common computer mouse is a swirling festival of contagious and possibly deadly germs, bacteria and viruses. The two-year study obssessively focused on the little layer of yellowish, scummy grit that gets caught in the fine cracks of the mouse.
Nearly 1,400 mice were selected at random from the offices of the hospital itself, as well as several companies that volunteered to participate in the study. The mice were then categorized, weighed, and subjected to a battery of microscopic tests to determine the degree and nature of the contamination. The results were horrifying.
Dr. Wilamen Beruit, head of the study, commented, "We suspected that something might be up with that junk that collects in the cracks on the mouse, but we were completely unprepared for the actual, stomach-churning results."
Along with sticky mucus, ear wax and dried pus, the yellow gunk contained a high percentage of food crumbs, dead skin cells, fatty oils, and small traces of blood, urine and fecal matter. Oil and wax works to hold the material together and keep it attached to the mouse no matter how hard you scrub and scrub and try to get the edge of a sugar packet down in there to maybe dig the shit out. The material then creates a micro-ecosystem, where huge herds of dust mites, eyelid worms, aphids, and bacteria consume organic material and deposit dangerous and toxic waste. The end result is a fetid stew of viruses, including AIDS, SARS, bird flu, the West Nile Virus, and ebola, among others.
"A worst-case scenario combines the yellow stuff with fibers and hairs, even... pubic hair," gagged Jenny Meloni, one of the researchers. "And then you touch the keyboard and it just spreads everything around and really, it's like fingerpainting with shit and blood dredged from the bottom of a hospital dumpster! Oh, it's making me sick just to think about it. I'm gonna go shoot chunks!"
The study concludes by saying that as many as 170,000 people, including hospital patients and old people, probably die from exposure to mice every year, but nobody listens to them, and sometimes they even laugh at them and call them "anal retentive," or "Felix," in reference to the Felix Unger character in Neil Simon's "The Odd Couple."