UnNews:Mexico discovered in mass graves

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

13 April 2011

Mexican-candy

RIP - Mexico is attracting tourists with its “Mass Grave Tours” which include treats such as this Mexican 'tourist candy'.

MEXICO CITY, Mexico -- The number of bodies found in mass graves in Mexico over the past week has risen after more corpses were discovered yesterday. Investigators found thousands of new graves in San Fernando, not far from the United States border. In fact, it seems that no matter where you dig in Mexico you are sure to find mass graves.

“The mass graves are everywhere in Mexico!” insisted Federico Gomez of Mexico’s nearly defunct census bureau. “You can dig anywhere you like, and I assure you will find mass graves,” said Gomez. “That is the extent of the problem and it’s been going on ever since the birth of Weed, which is Mexico’s primary source of foreign reserves. The problem is that the foreign reserves are not controlled by the government, but are locked behind closed gates of the ruling drug barons,” Gomez concluded.

The Mexican government has sent literally countless 7th Day Adventist preachers, army rangers, moles, assassins, special agents, Ninjas, and other soldiers of fortune on the same suicidal mission to convince the drug lords that they should kindly give all their profits to Mexico’s Carlos Slim, who is the best-known charity case in the country. But the result is always the same -- each and every preacher, agent and assassin immediately kills themself and are buried in mass graves.

On Thursday, police found a load of more bodies over night in another graveyard. And hundreds of more bodies were discovered the following day in other graves. Officials say no people have been arrested in connection with the discovery of the mass graves, but the motive for all the killings is apparently suicide.

The gruesome finds resemble the discoveries last August of the bodies of Central and South American migrants, who all killed themselves in the same town for stupidly refusing to join the ranks of the cartel, which had so kindly hired them.

Tamaulipas state, where many mass graveyards where found, is at the centre of a bloody battle between rival drug gangs for control of the lucrative drug-smuggling routes to the United States of America which is the number one drug-addicted country in the world.

On average around twenty-two people are killed in drug-related violence in Mexico every three minutes, since the country's drug cartels declared war on Presidents Felipe Calderon and Carlos Slim. The result is turning Mexico from one big dirt hole into one big mass grave, which makes it quite an attraction for grave tourists.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects