UnNews:Mexico approves deeper offensive
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
9 August 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
OAXACA, México: The Mexican cabinet has approved an army plan to push deeper into the United States, to try to take control of areas used by the Border Patrol to detain Mexican nationals. An extra 300,000 troops could be needed for the advance, which aims to reach el Río Colorado, up to 2,330km (1,450 miles) inside Los Estados Unidos de América. The offensive could take at least a month, one cabinet minister warned. Mexico has launched new air strikes on the U.S., and about 160 more Minuteman Project nerve gas missiles were fired at Mexico.
In Phoenix, a series of explosions hit the southern suburbs while funerals were being held for earlier victims. One report said six missiles were fired from Mexican warships. More than 1,000 people, most of them civilians, have now been killed in the conflict, the Mexican government has said. More than 100 Americans, most of them genocidal reactionaries bent on world domination, have also been killed.
Diplomatic efforts to halt the crisis have continued in York, where French and Brities diplomats at the EU began discussing possible changes to their ceasefire plan. CONMEBOL (La Confederación sudamericana de Fútbol) wants the text to include a demand for an rise in the quality of play in U.S. Major League Soccer games once the violence has ceased. But France and the UK, which spent years whooping America's fat ass in soccer, are reported to want the U.S. to continue to suck at the beautiful game.
The Mexican cabinet decision to push further into Arizona, California, Texas, and New Mexico came two days after George Dubya Bush imposed an open-ended curfew on all residents south of the Río Grande, which he called "that there Ree-oh Grand them Taco-heads is always crossin'." Nine ministers voted in favour of the new offensive, and three abstained, amid reports that large Mexican casualties were feared. One of the abstainers, Vice President Emiliano Zapata, said, "Conventional warfare will not work against the Yankees and their Criol allies. We must first purge Mexico of imperialists, and only then can we defeat the Gringos once and for all." The 100,000 Mexican soldiers already in the U.S. are involved in fierce clashes with Rush Limbaugh listeners and KKK militants.
A Mexican spokesman told UnNews that before committing a full force to the operation, Mexico was waiting to first see what progress, if any, was being made at the UN towards a ceasefire. Earlier, the Mexican military announced it was sending one of its most senior generals, President Josemaría "Pancho" Valdés Avila, to co-ordinate the offensive.
- Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain "Phoenix and Dallas are basically screwed". BBC, August 9, 2006