UnNews:Merkel promises Germany a New Dull
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Merkel promises Germany a New Dull
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 01:33:UTC)(
8 October 2013
BERLIN, Germany -- German Chancellor Angela Merkel is to offer a 'New Dull' following her crushing victory over her political rivals in last month's elections. The pudding-basin-hair-styled Merkel thanked the German people for returning her to office and also removing the Liberal Free Democrats from the Bundestag in last month's election.
Speaking to crowds of Germans who preferred her 'boring' to any of that on offer from other parties, Merkel promised to be 'safe sex' and 'grey' for the next four years. She said Germany would be 'about as exciting as a German comedy show':
'Germans haven't done exciting and excitable politics since the Second World War and I have no intention of starting that again,' said Merkel. 'Germany — and Europe — want to be able to work hard and then go hiking at the weekend.'
Introducing her programme for 'more Dull', Merkel outlined her vision for Germany:
- Germany to win the World Cup
- Germany to buy the rest of Europe in a fire sale
- Germany to sell more expensive cars
- Sebastian Vettel to win all Formula One races until 2020
The crowd went wild with the news and then fell into a very deep slumber (to be woken up by Rip Van Winkle at a later day).