UnNews:Men Wear Females Bathing Suits for Reasons Unknown
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Men Wear Females Bathing Suits for Reasons Unknown
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 00:47:UTC)(
11 July 2008
MIAMI, Florida - Miami is world famous for its sunny weather, its beautiful beaches, its gorgeous women, and old people. It is the third most populated city in the United States, behind only Los Angeles and New York City. During the summer, Miami's beaches overflow with a cultural orgy of human beings, all there to enjoy the nice, temperate waters, or perhaps a golden, full-bodied tan. As is societal custom, Males at these beaches tend to wear swim suits designed to be worn by males. Likewise, females typically wear swim suits designed for the female body. This is likely why nobody ever could have predicted the terrible swimsuit-related issues that have gone on at a local Miami beach within the past week. In a move that seemed to disrupt the very fabric of reason, 24 men, oiled up and chiseled to perfection, bravely arrived at the beach on Monday, wearing only women's bathing suits.
|Yeah, it was a regular day, just like any other; I was sitting on the beach approximately 32 feet from the shore like I always do. Gawking at all the girls while working on my tan, it's all part of my routine. But on Monday...that day it was all derailed. These men, or whatever it is you choose to call them, came trudging up near me in these women's bathing suits....and they started doing normal beach things. Everyone was giving them dirty looks but they kept going on with their childish nonsense. I phoned the police right away, and they came right out and asked the... ehh... people some questions. After they talked for a while, the police just left, and the "guys" started again with their football game and surfing. Some were tanning up too. I don't know what they were doing here, or why they came; maybe someone was paying them, but no one seems to know|
When questioned, the police relayed nothing of their conversation with the gentlemen, and returned to their coffee and donuts. The same officers were later interrogated themselves, but still refused to say anything. They're now in lock-up, waiting for bail.
What was more unsettling was that this would not be the last of the strange mystery men. The very next day, the same men drove up to the same spot on the beach, in their strange tour bus/boat thing, and proceeded to unload all of their gear (whatever it is they use it for). Our previously mentioned anonymous witness was shocked, yet opted to simply move away from the scene. The strange men were unphased by this. They continued showing up day after day, in those odd female bathing suits that showed off every last detail of their manhood, seemingly oblivious to the awkward stares of everyone in the vicinity. They happily went about pursuing typical male activities, football, surfing, Frisbee, etc. People originally believed it to be merely a joke. However, after a few days, it became apparent that it most certainly was not a joke. Eventually, it was decided on that the men wore these suits everywhere.
As time passed, the men were accepted. By the end of the week, they were considered regulars on the beach, but still no one had enough courage to go up and speak with any of them. Friday, however, an elderly woman by the name of Dorothy Kendrick approached the group of men and asked them quite politely if they knew that they were wearing swimming suits designed for a female body. The men just stared at her with a strange look on their faces. They then looked down to their suits. They whispered something to the woman, who then smiled, nodded, and walked away, as if nothing had happened.
This woman, like the officers before her, would refuse to diclose any information about her conversation with the men. And do the Miami beach-goers went on with their lives. The men still came every day, all 24 of them, always doing everything exactly as they had done the day before. People began talking to the men, something that often led to casual and delightful conversation. They were becoming very popular on the Miami Beach. Soon, everyone knew their names, and the men had made several friends in that hot hot city.
Simon, Kyle, Phillip, Paul, Jack, Marshal, Joel, Caleb, David, Jacques, Franklin, Carl, Brian, Ryan, Ryan, Johnny, Dan, Marcus, Bob, Jacob, Grant, Matt, Paul, and Fred have been confirmed to all be between the ages of 28 and 34, all well-built and well-oiled. All of the men were certainly adamant in their sexually. Not one of them was gay. The men, despite intial suspicion, are quite friendly, as well as unashamed of their quite flaming swim attire.
Then, suddenly, it happened. A day like any other, the men playing their games, and several regular beach-goers joining them by now, just stopped. It was so abrupt and unexpected that the beach seemed to have been covered by a blanket of silence. After moments of silence, a cry rang out. "TO THE BUS, GENTLEMEN!"
And with that, the men packed up their things into their large bus, and began to drive away. Citizens were shocked as the bus drove right towards them on the sand, and then directly past them, and into the gleaming ocean water. Propellers sprung from each corner of the bus, sending the large orange vehicle on a course for anywhere. With this, the strange men propelled into the sunset, never to be seen again.