UnNews:Medvedev feigns surprise after election victory in Russia
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Medvedev feigns surprise after election victory in Russia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 9, 2016, 05:47:UTC)(
2 March 2008
MOSCOW, Russia -- Dmitry Medvedev, elected today to succeed Vladimir Putin as President of Russia, feigned surprise on news of his victory. At a carefully staged rally in Moscow, he showed up wearing pajamas, announcing "Oh, I had no idea I had a chance of winning, so I was just taking a nap. What a big surprise." He followed with a few other allegedly off-the-cuff remarks, which were clearly being read from a teleprompter.
Current President Putin also showed up at the rally, supposedly by accident. "What a coincidence," he said, "I just happened to be walking through the neighborhood when I ran into this rally." "I even forgot the elections were today, since I am trying hard not to influence voters with my opinion," he added. As a "thank you" for his impromptu support, Putin was offered the job of prime minister by Medvedev.
There were only a few minor hitches during the staged victory ceremony. One came early in the evening, when Medvedev mentioned that "exactly 65.8% of voters" picked him. This was hours before official results were announced, but in fact it did turn out that 65.8% was his final level of support. Another blunder occurred when one of the few international election observers was mistakenly taken into a room where the ballot boxes were being stuffed with fake votes. The problem quickly resolved itself, however, when the observer accidentally ate some radioactive polonium and died shortly afterwards.
Medvedev's victory speech was littered with references to Russia's growing power and nationalism, and he promised to consult Putin on "every decision I have to make", as his mentor looked on from backstage with stern approval. At one point the victor could hardly hold back laughter as he emphasized that Russia is "a democratic country" with a "flawless, free, and fair electoral system."
U.S. President Bush keenly followed Russia's election and called Medvedev to congratulate him shortly after the official results were announced. "Good job on not having to get your country's Supreme Court to hand you victory," Bush reportedly told the winner. He also spoke to Putin, asking for advice on how to change America's government so that he could maintain power by becoming a "prime minister" after his 2nd term expires soon. Meanwhile, both Hillary Clinton and Mike Huckabee vowed to keep campaigning in their futile quests for becoming the next President of "The United States, Russia, or, frankly, any country willing to tolerate us."