UnNews:Mediocre athlete admits to doping
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mediocre athlete admits to doping
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 10:04 (UTC)
8 August 2012
LONDON, United Kingdom -- This morning, United States runner Jonathan Mcnight, who placed ninth in his first and only qualifying heat in the men's 1500 meter run, exactly four spots from even entering medal contention, has admitted to taking anabolic steroids.
"I'm sorry to all my fans," said Jonathan in a post-run interview, unaware that he has none.
It is uncertain why McNight who, despite having injected performance-enhancing drugs on a regular basis throughout the past seven years, continues to perform so poorly on the track.
"It is possibly due to his very poor training or utter lack of athleticism," said his coach Brian Smith. "He's got terrible form when he runs. All of his excess momentum goes to the sides and he appears to have little to no control over his upper body. I can't get him to correct any of it, but at least I got him to the Olympics, if that means anything."
Jonathan's coach went on to say that he "really hopes nobody expected anything of [Jonathan]."
McNight, who has been running track since high school, began doing so after failing to make the cut for any other sport. Noticing that he was severely behind in the development of all of his major muscle groups, he quickly resorted to drugs at the urging of his peers and coaches.
"It seemed pretty simple. All I had to do was run in a big oval, basically, and after trying a bunch of other sports, I guess that is all I'm capable of," said the American. "I'm just glad to have had the opportunity and that my family wasn't here to witness my failure."
Jonathan barely qualified for the Olympics after injuries to several other key competitors who even he admits he would have "rather seen on the track".
When questioned on how McNight could have entered the competition while apparently doping to begin with, an Olympic official stated that there had indeed been an oversight during his medical examination.
"He did test positive for steroids, but after looking at his numbers, we all pretty much agreed that it would've been impossible for a doped-upathlete to achieve such poor results. Luckily we were right on that last part. He is total shite."
No repercussions are planned by the Olympic Comittee. In the meantime, many on Twitter have begun to praise nation's steroid producers for allowing non-athletes to participate in sports.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|