UnNews:Medical Cause of Unpregnancy Fetishism Discovered
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Medical Cause of Unpregnancy Fetishism Discovered
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Tuesday, May 24, 2016, 15:45:UTC)(
10 January 2013
LONDON, England -- Medical science is coming closer to understanding the causes of unpregnancy fetishism, the perverse sexual attraction to nonpregnant women, according to renown Greek psychologist, Dr. Basil Pregnophilos.
"In recent years, the perverse sexual attraction to nonpregnant women has reached epidemic levels. Some in the psychological community are of the opinion that unpregnancy fetishism was widespread, but is only now openly discussed. However, the historical data seems to suggest otherwise. Archaeologists have found erotic images of pregnant women dating back to the upper paleolithic. However, the earliest undisputed depictions of nonpregnant women in a sexualized context don't appear until the Egyptian New Kingdom. We don't find the widespread distribution of nonpregnant erotica until well into the 20th century. Additionally, pregnancy was a taboo subject until well unto the 20th century. For example, the cast of I Love Lucy couldn't say the word 'pregnant'. This would imply that pregnancy was universally regarded as erotic until the mid 20th century. Therefore, we must conclude the unpregnancy fetishism is a new phenomena," said Pregnophilos.
Pregnophilos then when out to explain the severity of the current unpregnancy fetish epidemic, "According to recent phychological studies, it is estimated that approximately 65% of heterosexual adult males are exclusively attracted to nonpregnant women. Another 30% or so are physically attracted to both nonpregnant and not nonpregnant women. This rampant perversion is clearly the greatest issue facing medical science today."
The scientific study attributes the sexual attraction of nonpregnant women to exposure to a nonpregnant maternal caregiver during childhood. In layman's terms, if a child's mother is not pregnant during his early childhood, he is much more likely develop a unpregnancy fetish. The study found that younger siblings tended to have higher rates on unpregnancy fetishism than their older siblings. The declining birth rates, and the resultant increased exposure to nonpregnant mothers, is reported to the cause of the modern unpregnancy fetish epidemic.
Relation of unpregnancy fetishism to other perversions
"This new discovery may also shed light on other forms of sexual deviance," said Pregnophilos. "For decades, we have noticed a link between the rise of unpregnancy fetishism and other perversions such as transsexual fetishism and homosexuality. As you are probably aware, transsexualism and homosexuality became commonplace a few decades after unpregnancy fetishism. Unpregnancy fetishism is actually based on the repulsion of the female pregnant belly, than an attraction to nonpregnant bellies. This is why unpregnancy fetishes focus on breasts or buttocks at the near exclusion of the female abdomen. Likewise, transsexual fetishism is based on the repulsion to the vagina, and homosexuality extends this to the repulsion of the entirety of the female form. If you examine homosexual erotica, you will notice that most of the males look androgynous, or rather, asexual. Although further research is needed, it is likely that homosexuality is caused by a extreme lack of interaction with pregnant women in infancy."
Explaining how environmental factors could cause sexual perversions, Pregnophilos offered a theory, "Perhaps unpregnancy fetishism is a genetic response to control population growth during periods of famine. In prehistoric times, a young child did not come into contact with pregnant females, it would imply that the human population is under environmental stress. In order to prevent overpopulation, a genetic trigger caused these children to develop sexual perversions to limit the number of offspring they would produce. Modern low birthrates fool the human body into thinking that it is in famine conditions, activating a genetic trigger, which, in turn, is responsible for the modern generation of sexual deviants."
Protecting your children from unpregnancy fetishism
When asked how to protect our children from this epidemic, Pregnophilos said, "I would advise women to bear as many children as possible, in order to expose their children to pregnancy. Granted, the last child will still become a sexual deviant. However, if one has a large family size, the affect of one or two deviants is minimized. In former generations, it was normally assumed the the last child would turn out abnormal. This is why the law of primogeniture was created in the middle ages: to prevent sexually deviant later sons from inheriting positions of importance."
Regarding families that can't support several children, Pregnophilos gave little hopeful advise, "Currently, there is not much that can be done. Employment as a surrogate mother is probably the best option. If that option is not possible, repeated late term abortions can be used to maintain a condition of perpetual pregnancy without producing more children. However there may be an alternative in the future: some of my colleagues are working on an abdominal implant, similar to breasts implants. This implant will give females pregnant-like abdomens without the need of producing more offspring. This device will avoid the periods of nonpregnancy between pregnancies, virtually eliminating exposure to nonpregnant maternal figures, and, hopefully, any risk on unpregnancy fetishism in the next generation. My colleagues hope to get FDA approval by 2014."
This new theory has received widespread support among social conservatives, in particular, traditionalists Roman Catholics. One Catholic priest said, "For decades now, the Church's argument against contraception has been difficult to defend. We somehow intuitively knew that birth control was wrong, but could only defend it with the most flimsy of arguments. Now that birth control has been indirectly linked to homosexuality, hopefully we can convince moderate to conservative Protestants to oppose contraception. In fact, it may be time for the Church to reconsider the morality of rhythm-based birth control and small family size."
- Enquist M, et al "Exposure to mother's nonpregnancy in infancy is associated with sexual attraction to nonpregnancy in adulthood.". Stockholm University, January 08, 2011