UnNews:Media rekindles Natalee Holloway investigation
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Media rekindles Natalee Holloway investigation
We distort, you deride
Tuesday, June 28, 2016, 09:58:UTC)(
22 November 2007
Oranjestad, ARUBA -- On a slow news week, the media decided on Wednesday to restart its investigation and non-stop coverage of the two and a half year old Natalee Holloway investigation. The pretty white American girl went missing in May of 2005 after a wild night of partying and debauchery in Aruba. The investigation proved difficult as "nearly every male between the ages of 18 and 25 came in some form of contact with Miss Holloway during her Aruba trip," explained a Dutch investigator on the island.
Earlier this week, representatives from all the major networks, as well as minor player MSNBC, got together to decide on a way to boost ratings. With no new government or celebrity scandals recently, the 24-hour news networks needed something to occupy their schedules with. "We were originally betting on the new OJ Trial to bring in some viewers," revealed a CNN executive, "but it turns out people are not interested in petty armed burglary charges." The executive conceded that he wished OJ had shot some of those memorabilia collectors, as a new double-homicide trial surely would have been more "juicy."
But with ratings at dismal levels, and the writers strike showing no end in sight, the media conglomerates were desperate for something new to cover. They finally decided to call Dutch authorities and entice them to re-arrest some old suspects in the Holloway case. One suspect, Joran "bang that" Slut, is even being flown from the Netherlands to the Caribbean Island to face a new round of questioning. Two Surinamese brother, Kalpoe and Deepak Chopra were also re-arrested at the request of CNN. All the networks promised to share some profits with Aruban authorities. "It's nearing wintertime, so there aren't many tourists, so we sure could use some money," admitted the island's governor.
Another factor in the media's decision to rekindle the investigation was Nancy Grace's recent childbirth. "She deserves a vacation," her boss at the network explained, "and what better place to send her than to beautiful Aruba." Fox News's Greta van Susteren was also excited to go back to the Carribean, saying that "it's much more exciting than covering some boring presidential candidates campaigning in Iowa."
If the Holloway investigation redux doesn't boost ratings, the media has a few more backup plans. They are being kept secret, but an anonymous source tells UnNews that they include the possibility of "having another astronaut wear diapers," as well as "sending Paris Hilton back to jail."