UnNews:Media reassign investigators to Scott Brown
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Media reassign investigators to Scott Brown
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 08:13:UTC)(
10 February 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Virtually all U.S. media organizations have shut down their Alaska bureaus and recalled their investigative reporters to the capital to study new Senator Scott Brown (R-Massachusetts), sworn in last week to hold the seat occupied for eons by the late Ted Kennedy.
Formerly, the Alaska bureaus had tailed Governor Sarah Palin in case the entry of a non-Ivy-league common person into politics conceals a tarnished past.
Associated Press had the largest Alaska bureau, with twelve private investigators and reporters. It uncovered the story that Palin used to associate with evangelicals, including some who spoke in tongues. AP's reporting resulted in several notorious FACT CHECK!!! columns. This unbiased, objective journalism left it entirely to the reader to conclude that Palin is a shameless liar.
UnNews had five reporters based in Alaska. They broke the scandal of Palin batting her eyes sexily at a municipal inspector while applying for a permit to build a garage. They also covered the time Palin brought her oddly named children Flinch and Machete to a meeting at Wasilla City Hall. Each drank several glasses of water, paid for out of city funds, not to mention the extra dish-washing expenses resulting from this flagrant nepotism.
"Palin, she's old news," said UnNews Capital Bureau chief Morris Greeley. "Scott Brown is who's whipping up the Tea Parties now. All the networks are racing to cut him down to size, and UnNews won't be left behind!" UnNews reporters are scouring Brown's pick-up truck for rust spots, dirt, an expired emissions sticker, or empty cans in the back seat.
To date, the only things known about Brown is that he once posed nude (from the waist up) and, during his victory speech, he joked that his two daughters were "available," by which he clearly meant they are easy sluts. "The mystery surrounding this new power-broker explains why UnNews must remain on the front lines!" bellowed Greeley.