Mean furniture hide before killing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 22, 2019, 14:14:UTC)(
7 April 2014
BIRMINGHAM, United Kingdom -- Furniture is often overlooked as a mundane feature of the home. But its resonance in our lives becomes much more profound, when some sofas or desk lamps are forced to kill, due to pyschological pressure and torment inflicted on them by their owners and users. At the University of Birmingham's Psychology Department, psychologists have discovered that killer furniture hide in people's homes a few months before their serial killing spree. "This leads to the common disillusion most people have when they see a new bed in their house and presume it to be harmless, while it simply lies dormant," said Alicia Green, a professor at the department.
Research shows that sofas and chairs, the larger pieces of everyday furniture are most likely to wait for up to 5 months before rendering their first victim dead. This is because sofas and chairs possess a smaller surface area to volume ratio and so receive less physical abuse over time, by cats scratching them, hamsters peeing on them and crumbs getting lost down the back of them, than for example, pencils that never live very long and that are known for stabbing their users in sensitive areas even after they are flexed for the first time.
Methods of killing range from one piece of furniture to another. Cupboards, once fed up with the amount of junk they are full of, let fly their door, smacking a person in the face before ejecting their contents at that person. Beds go for the more subtle "Lie and wait" trap. When a mature person, whose weight is equal or superior to the weight of the bed, starts to bounce on it, spring detectors underneath send electromagnetic pulses to the bedstay and the bed springs up and folds in two.
The furniture, now described as "Mean", hides in various areas of the house that are not visited regularly enough such as the boiler room, the cupboard under the stairs (unless you unknowingly happen to also host a giant mutant killer rat) and the spare room under all the junk. The furniture can camouflage itself so as not to be noticed and blend in with the hideous 1970s curtains behind it. Experts say that if you ever realise you happen to be living with a piece of furniture that you never bought then this can mean two things: either you are the next target for a psychopathic bookshelf or your neighbours are out so IKEA delivers their wedding anniversary present to you instead.
"The challenge now is to alert the public of the danger that their drawers, knockers and skirts possess...pardon me: chest of drawers, door knockers and skirting boards possess," commented David Chapman, campaigner for Furniture is not your Friend campaign, which aims to make the public more aware of lethal elements of women's clothi...closets and other such furniture.
What does furniture actually do in the 5 month hibernation period? A question posed by Professor Green. Dr. Marcus Macclesfield from Bradford University has an answer, "Furniture possesses a little bit of our identity and our purpose in life. Ultimately that has nothing to do with the question but I needed some cash and you've given me a check for...[the wind distorted the sound recording device]." Dr. Marcus MacMacclesfield from the University of Bradshaw-on-Thoke thinks he has a better answer but he is wrong.
Sir McHairy Haughling, candidate for the Monster Raving Loony Party, at Sheffield Tuesday's bi-election announced, "Furniture is our source of life. To live off it we must give something back too. At the moment the furniture accepts blood donation. But this has to stop. Our policy at the OMRLP is to cut off the head of every dormant sofa in the land." A radical policy perhaps but one which none of the mainstream parties can face up to - not even UKIP, who have simply ordered a cull on desks and the deportation of a thousand Jewish-made foot stools.
The moral of the story is to beware of the furniture that roams your house by night and yet seems so cute and silent by day. The government have advised members of the public to install CCTV devices into their homes to track the movement of potential killer furniture but even with these measures can we be sure that we are truly safe?