UnNews:McDonalds Finalizes Purchase of the Gateway Arch
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McDonalds Finalizes Purchase of the Gateway Arch
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 18:25:UTC)(
22 January 2013
KANSAS CITY, Missouri -- McDonalds Corporation has just announced the finalization of its purchase of the Gateway Arch from the State of Missouri for 1.6 billion dollars, with the intent to paint it yellow and “present a bacon -- I mean beacon -- of hope that all Americans can look up to.” The declaration was met with rejoicing all through St. Louis. In a fortuitous coincidence, as the smiling McDonalds CEO, Donald Thompson shook hands with Governor Jay Nixon, an eagle flew over the Mississippi and shed a single tear as it sang “America the Beautiful” and flew off into the setting sun. Shortly thereafter the sun returned to the proper mid-morning position at greater than usual speed and acceleration, to the minor alarm of NASA scientists. In Thompson’s words, “we consider this a Manifest Destiny from a higher power, that we are ordained to spread our message of grease and fattiness -- I mean peace and happiness -- across the world.”
As Thompson stepped off the stage he was mobbed by jubilant revelers among cries of “I’m lovin it!” and “Hail to the Chief Executive Officer!” In a moment of benevolence, he offered free Big Macs to everyone in the city who recited the “Two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onion on a sesame seed bun” chant -- making sure to remind them that anyone could add two strips of bacon for only 99 cents.
Shortly thereafter, the crowd broke into a chorus of “Amazing Grease, how sweet the smell,” proclaiming the joys of McNuggets and all things deep-fried.
Caught up in the emotion of the day, Nixon declared this day a state holiday, Special Sauce day, in honor of the most critical component in everyone’s favorite artery plug, the Big Mac.
To the shame of the city and the dismay of his mother, there was a protester, a Pepsi die-hard, upset that McDonald only offers Coca-Cola products. Fortunately, the jubilation of the day was saved as he was quickly subdued when the feverish mass of people drowned him in a deluge of Orange Hi-C.
This action is part of a new growth strategy from McDonalds, code named “Monumental Conquest.” In addition to continuing to purchase national icons, it is expected to assist the US government in paying of 70 percent of the national debt over the next 3 years in exchange for the Legislative Branch. Says Thompson, “I mean, buying Senators isn’t exactly a new thing for us. But it feels good to have unlimited power to gorge ourselves at the expense of the American people.”
Among the first changes once these powers are granted, says McDonalds CEO Donald Thompson, will be changing the pledge of allegiance to “one nation under Ronald” and making imports on actual meat completely illegal, punishable with death by Quarter-Pounders.
In the words of Lateesha Howard, “It’s great to see the rise of such a symbol of our nation.” She went on to describe this benevolent corporation as “a nice place to get a bite to eat. It made me who I am today.” “I love how healthy and high-quality the meat here is”, proclaimed another bystander. “I really appreciate that they don’t cut costs in a way that will harm us. It’s like they’re actually fighting obesity!”
Following the announcement, Burger King promptly stated its intent to purchase Buckingham Palace in order to “uphold the tradition of excellence that has been our trademark since we started copying McDonalds in 1953.”
Not to be outdone, McDonalds executives assured the media that plans are being made for the acquisition of the Eiffel Tower, where they will introduce the French to the true meaning of French fries.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|