UnNews:McDonalds, Walmart, Google, Apple, Facebook, Disney, and Exxon merge, build Deathstar
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McDonalds, Walmart, Google, Apple, Facebook, Disney, and Exxon merge, build Deathstar
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 13:18:UTC)(
24 June 2010
EVERYWHERE -- In a move that has society collectively shitting its pants, Walmart, McDonalds, Google, Apple, Facebook, Disney, and Exxon Mobile have merged and also allegedly built a Deathstar. The Company, calling itself McWalEverythingWorld, faces a legal battle with the ACLU, but the company's representatives show little fear at the prospect of a legal battle.
Waldo "Shadowman" Derickson, company spokesperson for McWalEverythingWorld, had this to say about the lawsuit:
"We foresee no real successful legal consequences here. Not only have we bribed or threatened the families of over half the judges, but our company is technically not a monopoly anyway. Also, the force is weak with the ACLU."
In response to allegations that his new company was building a Deathstar, Derickson stated that,
"The Death Star that conspiracy theorists claim we are building is actually a new add on to the ride at Disney's Epcot center in Walt Disney World, Florida. With added photon blasters, the attraction is fun for the whole family!"
The company is as of yet still unsure whether it will continue with its previously stated plans of iphone-embedded hamburgers, or search engines installed at gas pumps. Citizens of the world are advised to begin pledging their unwavering loyalty to McWalEverythingWorld before the cleansing begins.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|