UnNews:McDonald's food could be a public health hazard
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McDonald's food could be a public health hazard
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 09:32:UTC)(
27 June 2012
LOWELL, MA – Massachusetts authorities have confirmed many McDonald's restaurant patrons' suspicions that its so-called food not only constitutes a health hazard, but could, in fact, be fatal. James Hackett, 26, hacked off that his 11-year-old stepdaughter sought to referee during his verbal sparring with the girl's mother, Hackett's wife, threw French fries into the child's face, an act that could have resulted in severe burns and possible disfigurement.
According to the restaurant franchise's spokesman, Ronald McDonald, “The golden-brown fries were both lightly salted and hot and oily, just the way our customers like them.”
Police, who have charged Hackett with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon—the McDonald fries—say that the potatoes could have caused third-degree burns, blindness, or gastric upset, including diarrhea.” Authorities are also considering child endangerment charges against the girl's mother for allowing her to consume such dangerous products because, Unnews reporter Lotta Lies was told, the preteen had ordered a hamburger, a soft drink, and the potentially fatal fries.
Fortunately, no one was seriously injured in the food fight.
“All I can say,” the arresting officer declared, “is that it's a good thing the girl didn't actually eat any of the fries. Then, instead of assault and battery, we would be charging the suspect with manslaughter or even attempted murder.”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|