McCain says Jesus should skip funeral, wants Soros to attend

Where man always bites dog

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10 May 2018


WASHINGTON D.C.John McCain, who has been battling an aggressive form of war mongering for more than sixty years, doesn’t want God to attend his funeral and prefers Satan George Soros to be there, according to a New York Times report. In addition, former Presidents Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama have been asked to deliver comedy routines at McCain's funeral, reliable sources with no idea of the former presidents nor McCain told CNN. 

The 81-year-old Arizona senator underwent extensive mental counseling for a PTSD based obsessive compulsive global death wish disorder. Since a young McCain first heard about Mutually Assured Destruction he has tried everything in his power to see it happen. His desire to prove that MAD is a “wimps motto” was only surpassed by his anxiety over possibly missing the great WW3 extravaganza, once and for all.

In particular McCain developed a acerbic and semi affectionate hard on for Russian leader Vladimir Putin, in spite of President Putin not reciprocating his fantasy. McCain’s envy of Putin has outgrown any normal respect he would have to muster for a senior military rank like Col. Putin, who is much higher that McCain’s lowly rank of Captain. He even refused to believe that Col Putin had been promoted to the rank of Supreme Commander, as the President of Russia.

When asked about McCain, Putin replied that “he (McCain) had been a prisoner in Viet Nam for several years, and was even kept in a pit. Anyone would go nuts after such an experience”, he mused. Putin even offered to meet McCain in a cage match, winner take all. Putin summed it up, “If I win we all get to go home, but if he wins then we all get to die."

“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here,” McCain said in a war drum beat excerpt of his forthcoming memoir, Last Chance for Armageddon, as CNN reports. The senator is also the subject of a nearly two-hour HBO war story, the fable of an illegal alien who was busted for terrorist bombing and jailed in the Asian jungles.

“Here John knows he’s in a very, very, very precarious situation, and yet he’s still concerned about destroying the world, he doesn’t want to miss the fun.” a random vagrant told CNN. “We talked about how our international reputation is being damaged and we talked about the need for people to stand up and fire those goddamn nukes.”

According to the Times, McCain’s closest family members have informed the White House that the current plan for his funeral is for Pence to attend the service to be held in Washington’s National Cathedral, but not Trump — with whom McCain has had developed an obsessive jealousy, often stressing that Trump was ruining the world war efforts.

Back in July of 2015, Trump attacked McCain for the five and a half years spent in a notorious Vietnamese prison where he was tortured, telling voters in Iowa: "What war hero? He didn’t rescue any body, he just got caught.” he jibbed, “Does every POW automatically become a war hero? That would make a lot of war heroes then.”

In his book, McCain doesn’t pull any punches about Trump. “How dare he try to make friendship between the USA and other countries." he opined. "Trump stupidly says, 'having friends is a good thing, not a bad thing,' utter HOGWASH! Nothing beats the thrill of enmity, except WWIII.”

“I’d like to see us recover our sense that we’re all better off dead than alive,” McCain says in audio excerpts from the book reported by well-informed CNN.