|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
18 October 2008
The poll of uncommitted white males, who are likely voters, living within a 14-mile radius of North Bank Park, Columbus, Ohio, whose surnames begain with the letters H, J and X, was carried out over several days last week. It aimed to determine what precise phrases voters need to hear repeated again and again to swing their vote towards McCain. "Joe the Plumber" scored highly in the poll, as did "greed", "excess" and "prison". Other popular phrases include "executive experience", "prisoner of war", and "I'm a maverick". Crucial words McCain has to use include "country", "Americans" and "honour". UnNews understands that "my friends" was almost blacklisted, until campaign staffers realised that McCain knew no other way of starting a sentence.
Asked to explain the move to remove intellectual discussion from the presidential race, Senator McCain reportedly said "My friends... Wall Street excess... drill here, drill now, I'm a maverick." Governor Palin was even more coy in her response to such questions, preferring to smile and wave, despite the uncomfortable proximity of reporters. UnNews can report that she has been limited to the use of just three words: "Alaska", "Obama" and "terrorist". Campaign insiders, free to speak outside the vocabulary constraints, say that a major slip-up by either candidate could spell the end of McCain's shaky campaign, and that the list is merely precaution to prevent a nasty 'October surprise'. "If we let a 'spread the wealth around' or a 'my Muslim faith' slip out, it's over," said McCain campaign chief Steve Schmidt. "We're all about Country First, mavericks, honour and executive experience."
McCain himself seems to be having a tough time adjusting to the restrictive list. This morning the Senator assertively requested "a cheeseburger, no sauce" at a small-town truck stop, before changing his order to "experienced leadership, crossing party lines".
The move came as a surprise to Senator Barack Obama, who from now on will be referred to by McCain as "the Washington elite". Asked to comment, he shook his head, cleared his throat, and replied "uh... Yes We Can."