UnNews:Mayor of London demands new powers
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Mayor of London demands new powers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 15:09:UTC)(
13 December 2006
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"When London hosts the 2012 Olympics, we must be ready," declared Livingstone. "The police are already over-stretched. So is the National Health Service, and the London Underground transport system is crumbling brick by brick. We've tried throwing money at the problem but it hasn't worked and we need something new. I need these powers to fight crime, heal the sick and carry hundreds of people around in my mighty arms."
Although sworn to use his powers for good, critics point out that he is likely to enforce the anti-traffic "Congestion Charge Zone" by crushing the vehicles of offenders to a ball of wreckage the size of a grapefruit. "He already has enough power," said an anti-Mayor campaigner who did not wish to be identified. Mayor Livingstone was quick to respond. "When I have super powers NONE shall escape my super hearing and x-ray vision! I shall easily identify and liquefy those who do not appreciate my vision of a London with no citizens or visitors!"
If Livingstone's demands are accepted, he plans to begin an intensive program of superification. He intends to allow himself to be bitten by a variety of radioactive animals and insects, expose himself to mysterious rays, be abducted by aliens, undergo cyborg surgery, harness the very power of the ancient gods and, as a last resort, be rocketed from an exploding planet.