Mayhem at convention of nightclub doormen

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16 August 2010

Perth Bouncers

Bouncers - Sad.

Perth, Western Australia --There was complete mayhem last night in downtown Perth, Australia, as hundreds of nightclub doormen went on a bouncing rampage after being refused entry to the inaugural Associated Security Society for Pubs and Clubs (ASSPAC) Convention.

Initial reports indicate the first bouncer to arrive refused to let anyone else in and was quoted as saying “ Sorry mate, private function. Now fuck off”. Hundreds of attendees were eventually denied entry for wearing incorrect shoes, football shirts, having no collars, or for being groups of males with no eye candy.

Those foolish enough to question the doorman were told to “Piss off and take it up with the manager”, who it was later found out, was one of the first to be bounced for not having ID.

A queue 500 m long developed, drawing a crowd of spectators from the local micro-club scene who came to see these men amongst men finally get a taste of their own medicine. The queue and spectators played havoc with local traffic during the busiest night of the week, causing at least 3 cars, 1 motorcycle and a rickshaw to detour around.

Demetri Fucthalotayos, one of the turned away, was furious with organisers, “I just bought me new bum bag (fanny pack for all the sepo’s), chinese knock-off black leather jacket and Prada sunnies, and I just put wicked tracks in me hair. How can that fool not let Demetri in? And why does my mouth taste funny?”

Not all witnesses were as negative, “dis-interested glaring, lazy gum chewing, complete disregard for common sense, blind observance to ‘house rules’ and total arrogance. I mean, the guy just looked at me as if I was a complete piece of shit. Classic Bouncing,” said one onlooker.

Confused and highly agitated from excessively drinking Redbulls, the denied bouncers wrangled themselves all over the city setting up bollards across walkways, train and bus stops, even carparks, only letting each other cross at random intervals or a few minutes after someone came the other way.

The situation deteriorated further after the bouncer let a pack of drunk, semi-naked 17-year-old High school girls skip the line. When questioned later, he said the fact that he was boning one of them everyday when she finished school had nothing to do with his decision to allow entry.

Perth, the city that never wakes, is re-known for its dull nightlife. This morning however, it is in clean up mode with many bouncers only now allowing each other back to their cars.

Night Clubs in Freo-Perth

Another pumping Friday night in Perth.

Chief Police Cunstable Inspector Detective Cop said in 67 years he has never seen anything like it, “Oh sure, we had some crazy bouncing when a hovercraft load of Tiggers crashed into a truck carrying Booty Pops. But this takes the cake.”

While waiting for his mum to come pick him up this morning, ASSPAC President, Obelix Tripolotemus said, “The door take came to $11.50 after he let the girls in cheap. We made no money and we still have to pay for hiring the convention center. ASSPAC will be bankrupt. It’s total bullshit. The guy was such a dick.”


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.