UnNews:Mayans were right, we're all screwed
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Mayans were right, we're all screwed
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 20:36:UTC)(
20 April 2008
Everywhere, Scorched Earth Scientists scattering their papers about aimlessly took to heavy drinking after finally coming to terms today with the incredible precision and scientific method employed by the South American Demi-Gods known as the Mayan Civilization.
"They were right, of course, we're fucked." Nobel Prize winners agreed at the impromptu end-of-the-world parties springing up worldwide, "Those grubby little stone carving, sky watching bastards knew exactly what was going on. Just like those Mayan smartasses knew all along, we're swinging back into sight of the super-massive black hole at the core of the galaxy again, which means the energy from dying suns at the core will slam right into us. Drink up!"
The Mayans, clever little buggers that they were, stopped keeping track of galactic disasters after the year 2012 on their intricate calenders, personal digital assistants and holographic multi-dimensional timepieces. Many have speculated that this, combined with informational tablets left inside ancient stone Mayan intergalactic teleport booths, mean that the Mayans really really meant what they said about the transitory nature of existence after all.
Nearby psychic Mayans teleported in to remind us all to get our act together and mentally prepare our 4 dimensional minds for a journey away from the coming danger using basic, no frills, economy class seven-dimensional hyperspace. Recommended methods to prepare a mortal consciousness for hyperspace include smoking DMT while bungee-jumping off a building without a bungee cord. If you bounce back to the top of the building, you are now prepared for hyperspace travel to any known sector of the galaxy.
Down at Fred's Shovel Supply, business has never been so hectic in spite of constant, gentle telepathic reminders by the Mayan elite that the shift will not be easier to live through underground. "Well these dig-a-hole-in-the-ground folks sure are going to be mighty surprised when they find a whole other ancient civilization down there that's known about this galactic core thing for a long long time." Cackling hideously, Fred indicated his demonic friend Satan. "Blarg!, " Satan rumbled, "Nobody trusts the Mayans and their schemes. Let's see what you think about the weather topside, mere mortal, when the whole surface of the earth is exposed to continuous radiation millions of times stronger than the output of the world's piddly little nuclear arsenal." Satan, using an ICBM as a toothpick, indicated that there are several rooms for rent, costing merely 0.05% of your soul each month, in the skanky, inescapable 9th layer of Hell.
Due to the high standards employed by the microwave oven industry, by placing yourself inside of one it is possible to live out end times, thus shielding yourself from all unexpected incoming cosmic radiation, mind control waves, the influence of Satan and of course the insanity-inducing effects of multi-dimensional neuron-shear.
- Nicola Tesla "Never do this.". Better living through timed and staggered 2.4GHz bursts, Just in the nick of time