UnNews:Mayan calendar broken; Amy Corps of Engineers called in to rebuild it
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Mayan calendar broken; Amy Corps of Engineers called in to rebuild it
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, December 2, 2015, 04:38:UTC)(
14 December 2012
Yucatan, Mexico - For the first time in a millennium, the Mayans will be without an accurate astronomic calendar this Christmas. While some in the media continue to portray their plight as "overblown" and use harsh slurs such as "pointlessly idiotic" to describe the fear felt by the Mayans, some honorable spirits have decided to take action and are now petitioning the White House to produce an intricate stone-carved 2,228 year calendar detailing every solar eclipse and comet flyby that will occur within that time frame. During a press conference held this morning, Maya Angelou, poet and de facto spokesperson for all things Mayan, said, "If [the Mayans] don't have their own calendar, how will they know what amazing sights of universal balance are occurring over their desolate cities?" She went on to inanely quote from her poem "Why the Caged Bird Sings", much to the dismay of all those who ever took a 9th grade literature class. Following this morning's press conference, a petition was launched on the White House's website to force NASA and the Army Corps of Engineers to develop a new Mayan calender. The man who began the petition, small business owner Richard S. Hardman, told UnNews, "Mayan employees won't know when to come to work if they don't got no calendar. I'm already hard-up as it is with all this fiscal crap. If my ladies don't got a calendar, how they gonna know when they have a date with clients? I am adamantly opposed to blue balls." However, despite these passionate outpourings of support for the Mayan community, Washington refuses to take action. Retiring Senator Daniel Akaka (D-HI) stated in his farewell speech about how he supported driving the nation off what he called "the calendar cliff." "This nation has far more important things to do than worry about the Latino Amish and the end of their calendar. The House of Representatives still has yet to pass the farm bill we sent them months ago. I figured the Mayans - them being an agricultural society, and all - would be more interested in that than a stupid calendar, but nope!"
- Eli Whitney "Farmers across America shake their heads in shame". NPR, December 12th, 2012
- Labia Majora "The Senate loses Dick Lugar and Dan Akaka; penis enthuists saddened". Some local news outlet, December 12th, 2012
- Timmy T. Tats "Petition creator is a pimp, say local law enforcement". Huffington Post, November 16th, 2012
- F. Monger "It's the end of the world! PANIC!". Denver Post, December 12th, 2012
- ↑ Richard S. Hardman was arrested for pimping shortly after our interview.