UnNews:Mayan Man Will Carry On Calendar Work To Dispel 2012 Nonsense
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Mayan Man Will Carry On Calendar Work To Dispel 2012 Nonsense
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 05:13:UTC)(
20 October 2009
Yucatán, Mexico - Jose Quezada, a 64-year-old Mayan man living in Yucatán, has announced that, despite the complexity and uselessness of the task, he will take up the work on the Mayan calendar where the original designer left off.
"It's hard to fathom why, but everyone thinks that since our long-count calendar only goes out to December 21, 2012, that somehow our people have some inside Illuminati or fucking Ancient Astronaut knowledge about the universe coming to an end on that day. The reality is, back when the calendar was being scribed, we had this one guy, probably diagnosable with Asperger's Syndrome if you ask me, anyway, he was all date-obsessed. All he did all day every day was mark up future days on this damn calendar. Everyone kept telling him, yo, Miqluktzatl, that'll do - that's far enough into the future, chances are some other dating system will be used by then anyways, let it go. Smoke some peace pipe with us, huh? But no, he was obsessed. Day in and day out, dude would just hovel up in his little hut, eyes bugging out, scrawling these dates late into the night. Then one day, he croaks. See, he finished the wall he was working on, which ended with December 21, 2012, and he started working on the next wall. He got about half-way through with it, when suddenly it became unstable and crashed down on him, killing him and destroying the wall. Since then none of us has really much cared for what the fuck he was trying to do."
But with the impending advent of "Miqluktzatl's" final scribed date, end-times obsessed numbskulls across the globe have begun to consider the possibility that he knew something no one else knew - that Jupiter would crash into a black hole at the same time scientists in Switzerland would create a spatial anomaly causing all matter in the universe to suddenly vanish, or something like that, on exactly that date.
You might laugh, but for his part Quezada is very weary of the world's nutjobs pointing their superstitious fingers at his ancestry. So he has decided to simply carry on the work where "Miqluktzatl" left off, to demonstrate that the calendar only ends there mundanely. "I mean, I got a titty calendar up in my auto shop, it only goes out to the end of this year, but I don't go running around worried about what is going to happen. You know, come January 1, 2010, what are they gonna do? Print fucking more titty calendars, that's all. Shit."
When asked about Mayan mythologies that do describe the end of the universe, he scoffs. "But if you really study that shit, they put it out like three quintillion years into the future. So what are you gonna do? I know what I'm gonna do. I'm taking this thing the next 13 baktuns, which will take those mouth-breathing nutjobs all the way out to 7138. I guess then some other poor Mayan sap is gonna have to keep it going, or you know they'll be back. Shit."
- ↑ Incidentally, this reporter thinks Quezada made this name up, but is OK with that.