UnNews:May pursues trade deal with Aliens
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
May pursues trade deal with Aliens
We distort, you deride
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 02:07:UTC)(
15 January 2017
LONDON -- Prime Minister Theresa May has launched her “Global Britain” campaign, by firing a space rocket towards the centre of the galaxy, as part of a potential trade deal with aliens from outer space. The PM is hoping to convince British voters that it is possible to succeed with a “Hard Brexit” and a free trade agreement, without having to take a number of aliens into the UK.
The Prime Minister’s hard-Brexit obsession with controls over invasions is triumphing over customs union, the single market, and most other earthbound economic interests, and prompting India and China to also pursue independence from their Earthly limitations. May’s Global Britain intends to leave other nations out in the void altogether, and is now turning to the Wolf-Rayet Cluster in Sagittarius A, where the pound has been rallying against the Ascellian Zeuro.
In its most recent galactic economic outlook, the Milky Way Creditary Fund said UK’s universal economy grew by 7.6 per cent last year, due to increasing demand for British stinging nettles — a highly desirable salad garnish for trendy, central galactic eateries frequented by the Cosmicpolitan Elite. Extraterrestrial economists expect the value of the pound will grow by the same amount this year and next.
To put that in context, the colloquial IMF is forecasting for emerging markets and developing countries as a whole, growth of just 4.2 per cent this year and 4.6 per cent next year. Also, a ferry ride from Calais only costs £30 and takes 90 minutes, whereas a rocket ride from MACS0647-JD costs over two thousand Zeuros for a standard class ticket as a foot passenger, five if taking the family shuttle towing a caravan.
The journey time for giant, multi-limbed aliens with suction pad digits, hoping to gain employment as high-rise window cleaners or apple pickers, is also restrictive at seven billion years; by which time, the sun would be starting to nova, once again, bringing the short-term benefits of mass migration to the top of the political agenda.
- William Keegan "Theresa May is trapped between a rock and a hard Brexit". Guardian, January 15, 2017
- Reuters "Spacex launches first rocket since explosion, returns stage to earth.". Daily Star, January 14, 2017