UnNews:May 5 declared 'International kick Josef Fritzl in the ballsack day'

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5 May 2008

Queue

Former dungeon children line up to kick Josef Fritzl in the nuts

OVULE, Narnia -- The planet recovered today from the shock of the Austrian incest dungeon news and formed a long and very slow moving queue to kick Josef Fritzl in the nuts.

"This is going to be a lot of fun, " bystander John Bystunder quipped in an oddly monotone voice, "not only did we get to leave the genetic cloning division for the whole week, but we also get to embark on our pre-programmed mission to exterminate all life on earth during this outrageous but perfect diversion." He then kicked a squirrel, presumably to practice.

"I don't get that weird guy, but kicking Josef Fritzl in the nuts is going to be the highlight of my existence, " interrupted a girl nearby in the queue that has grown to circumnavigate the globe, drowning millions, "I have been wearing stiletto heels since 1983 waiting for this opportunity."

Several innocent bystanders have been killed by sporadic US air strikes against Josef Fritzl's testicles.

Psychics in the lineup reported an increase in 'alien chatter', mostly aliens expressing their doubts about this sector of the galaxy and wondering if they shouldn't just leave this godforsaken place well enough alone.

Quick-thinking enterprising individuals stocked their stores to the ceiling with ceremonial Josef Fritzl steel-toed boots, nutcrackers, and vice grips. Extra-large "I kicked JF in the sack" t-shirts were sold out.

Josef Fritzl's current holding cell is a modest oxygen-free dungeon with a simple entrance hidden behind shelves stocked with cat-o-nine tails. Down a narrow corridor, one must stoop before arriving at the nut-kicking chamber where Josef Fritzl is shackled in a rather compromising position. Authorities ask that visitors try to keep up the ball-bashing at a fairly steady pace as there are many in line.

A sobbing Josef Fritzl declared insanity midway through last week but reportedly still hasn't had sense kicked into him yet by the first individuals in the lineup, his wife and newly oxygenated children.

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