This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
June 25 2007
You are the father...yes, you.
Hollywood, CAEddie Murphy just found out today during a Maury DNA Paternity Test Episode that he was indeed the father to crack whore/former Spice Girl Melanie Brown's daughter Angel Iris Murphy Brown who was named while Melanie was on crack. (No wonder she's called Scary Spice.) The crowd who was cheering for Melanie as most trailer trash and ghetto rap influenced punks usually do even began to taunt Eddie. Melanie was ecstatic, Eddie was indifferent and his girlfriend Tracy Edmonds was enraged.
Before opening the envelope to reveal the paternity tests Tracy and Melanie were verbally going at each other. At one point Tracy called Melanie a five dollar hooker and Melanie called Tracy a...well actually nobody quite knows what Tracy does and apparently neither does Melanie and so had nothing to base her insult on. Thus Melanie settled for a generic but always potent Bitch to get her point across. After Eddie began to cry Melanie and Tracy began to fight each other as the crowd jeered them on. Eddie curled up into the fetal position as Maury sat back laughing at the ignorance he always gets to exploit on national television.
What Eddie was hoping he would be able to do.
Eddie was not available for comment on whether or not he planned to raise the child but his friends/producers of the Shrek movies were.
We are so happy that Eddie found out now and not during the heat of the premiere of Shrek the Third as that would have hurt ticket sales for a family movie. I hope he can get his act together soon as Shrek 4: The Vasectomy is already in the works. Regardless how this plays out Angel Iris Murphy Brown will still be expected to purchase her own Shrek merchandise.