UnNews:Mattel to release new American Girl doll
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Mattel to release new American Girl doll
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 18:08:UTC)(
25 September 2009
NEW YORK CITY, New York -- In the wake of the wildly successful release of Gwen Thompson, a doll billed as a Homeless Girl who lives in a car with her mother, Mattel is unveiling their latest, just in time for some pre-season selling.
Laqueesha Jackson is the name of this doll, billed as Crack Girl, and she will be as oddly chubby as the Homeless Girl doll, just with darker skin. Her back story is that she never knew her dad, and got hooked on crack by her mom's pimp. Mattel spokesman Paul Goldman says, "We don't know if this one will be quite as offensive as the Homeless Girl doll was - you know, in that it implied that white men abandon their families and that white women are helpless without men - but we can hope. We got the idea from the lawn jockey in front of our VP of Sales mansion."
However, Mattel is not simply going to rest on these two Political Dolls. An inside source reports that there is to be a rapid release of additional American Girl dolls with socio-political themes to spark discourse and learning at elementary schools everywhere.
Such as Freida Finkelstein, the girl who's dad is never home because he's the owner of several banks and media outlets, and who's mommy is drunk all the time with her Jew friends. "That'll go over big this Channaka!", said Paul, "We also have something for our Asian friends, a Ruth Johnson doll, tinted yellow, and who's back story is that she's nerdy, has great math skills, and an over bite! Her daddy is gone, too, of course. He's always overseas doing big business deals and playing with Japanese Girl dolls!"
But besides these and a variety of other ethnically themed dolls designed for maximum offense, there are whispers of an even more controversial doll. Daycee Jurgen doll is to be billed as Sex Slave Girl, who's back story is that she was kidnapped and made to breed more dolls (not included). As for her daddy, unlike the other American Girl dolls, she actually does have her daddy, just not the daddy she started with.