UnNews:Matt Cassel raised from coma
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Matt Cassel raised from coma
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 03:52:UTC)(
7 September 2008
FOXBOROUGH, MA — The entire New England community was stunned today when local grocer and backup quarterback Matt Cassel awoke from an eight year coma. Cassel was raised just as local star Tom Brady injured his leg during the New England Patriots' 17-10 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs, an injury that saw the population of people in rivers across Boston increasing by five hundred thousand percent.
Cassel had thought to be in a terminal condition, mostly due to his lack of mobile action for the best part of this millennium. He first suffered his near-fatal injury in Southern California, during a hot-dog eating contest with former USC quarterback Carson Palmer. He was later transferred to Boston several years later, after local millionaire Robert Kraft thought that using a player with no movement ability to walk to back up Brady would placate fans' constant worries over the health status of the incumbent celebrity's shoulder.
Upon his awakening, Cassel was immediately taken to Gilette Stadium in order to placate the New England faithful, who had just placed a large order on the phonelines of their stadium's sponsor. After a quick debriefing from coach Bill Belichick, whereby he was instructed on what to do with the oval object he would receive, Cassel took the field. The quarterback played well for someone having his first movement sensations for the better part of a decade, completing thirteen of his eighteen pass attempts including a touchdown to cheating device Randy Moss.
After the game, coach Belichick offered the following quote: "I have no queries or comments regarding Matt's play today. What happened on the field is a classified matter, and we would prefer not to divulge any information to the public about it where there may be spies. As for Tom, his injury may threaten his career, or it may just be a grazed knee. We know, but we would rather not give the Vegas oddsmakers any further information as to our team."
Cassel was unavailable for comment, as he had not yet regained the motor movements in his mouth.