UnNews:Maternal deaths linked to obesity
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
4 December 2007
Obesity is the fastest growing cause of women dying in pregnancy or childbirth in the UK, a report shows.
Mary Goodbridge, a maternity nurse from Birmingham, England said: “when I started my career around 15 years ago, the average weight of a newborn baby 3.5 kgs or 7 ½ pounds. These days I’m not surprised to see a 1½ - 2 stone baby anymore. It’s ridiculous. Pregnant mothers just don’t seem to care these days until it’s too late. Imagine the sense of fear a mother must feel when the midwife shouts it's too fat, we can't get it out!”
According to the condemning report, the Royal British Nurses’ Association have been saying for years that mothers in the 21st Century haven’t been able to adjust to the increasing size and weight of the average modern baby. “The British Government need to do more when it comes to informing the general public about the options available. I know Britons from the north of England that think a Caesarian is a fancy type of salad”. First time mothers are thought to be those most at risk. They don’t know how much to eat and what they can deal with when it comes to labour. There was a day when the spectating husband would shout “push!” and the wife (or partner these days) should scream back “What the f**k do you think I’m trying to do!!”. It was all very amusing. Now the husbands don’t even turn up as 90% of all mothers now end up under the knife just to get the bloody thing out."
It also claims that an increasing number of pregnant mothers are aware that they are carrying obese or over-weight babies but are afraid to leave the house or attend hospital checks for fear of ridicule. One mother-of-two from Wells, Somerset claims to have been hounded out of Bristol for being morbidly obese despite only weighing 13 stone. “I went to my GP to say that I thought I was pregnant and all he said to me was “stop wasting me time – get out you fat slag!” Even the team leader at WeightWatchers laughed (sob)”.
Dr Robert Slimfast of the British Medical Association (BMA) told our UnNews reporter that the problem is not just confined to the United Kingdom. We heard reports of a mother in rural China who was still carrying a two year old child before she died of a rare medical condition known as explosion of the womb. Locals in the village had convinced the suffering mother that she was just getting fat and suffering from bad indigestion. “It was only when she tried for another child that the problem really came to light.”
It is now widely accepted that this is an increasing problem but medical experts are still puzzled as to why the babies are becoming increasing obese prior to birth. One medical advisor said “The answer is quite simple: Pies. Too many mothers are eating too many pies and two many pokes of chips. Some people put the weight on their backsides, some put it on the waist, others give it to their unborn babies.”
A government statement on how to tackle this crucial matter is expected to be released within the next week.