UnNews:Match.com defends sexual predators in lawsuit
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
19 April 2011
LOS ANGELES, California -- Last week, a class action lawsuit was filed against the online dating site Match.com. In the suit, numerous female users accused the site of not screening its male users for past violent crimes, including rape, and claim that this is putting them in potentially dangerous situations. In reply, Match.com's spokesman Richard Rex said that the suit is "groundless," that "these women are on an online dating site," that they "shouldn't be so damned naïve," and claims that the site is "not about to alienate its biggest userbase for such a stupid reason."
The lawsuit, however, picked up steam when one woman in the group, who would identify herself only as Jane Doe, openly claimed to have been raped by a man she'd met on Match.com. After having one successful date, Doe says, the man, identified as Alan Wurtzel, followed her home after their second time out and assaulted her in her living room.
"Never in my wildest dreams did I think I was going out with a criminal," Doe said, "He seemed like such a nice guy." Wurtzel's attorneys insist that he really is "such a nice guy" and that the sex was "consensual." Richard Rex pointed out that Match.com saw the encounter as a success, citing the successful first date as a win for the company. Doe, however, is adamant that she should have at least been made aware of Wurtzel's three prior convictions of assault, two DUI's, five domestic disputes, thirteen citations of "breach of peace," his 2001 weapons charge, four counts of risk of injury to a minor, his twelve counts of harassment, his 1999 conviction of vehicular manslaughter and, possibly, the six years he spent in jail for raping his sister-in-law. She argues that, as a company whose purpose it is to connect people romantically, Match.com has an obligation to let its users know if the person they're about to meet is a serial rapist.
Wurtzel's lawyers have insisted that their client is a "remade individual" and that, just because he can sing 12 Days of Christmas with his criminal record, it doesn't mean he's a bad man. While Doe disagrees, she and the rest of the members of the class action suit have instead focused their attention on Match.com's role in the unfortunate event, claiming that they have a right to see the entire criminal history, parking tickets included, of anyone they're matched with online. "We have a inalienable right to know if we can expect to be raped, assaulted, or double parked during our relationship..." the preamble of the class action suit begins.
Richard Rex, however, insists that his company will fight the lawsuit. "Our main user demographic is ex-cons, and we're not about to alienate them," adding that the site's other users shouldn't be so naive. "We're an online dating service. You're not going to get online and get matched up with Mr. Perfect, and you should know that any of our claims to the contrary are just advertisements meant to make you buy into our services. Welcome to corporate America, and get ready to get pounded in the ass by the system."
Ms. Doe's reply to these remarks were unprintable.
- Staff "Match.com to begin checking for sex offenders in wake of lawsuit". CNN, April 18, 2011