UnNews:Masturbation is now a crime!
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Masturbation is now a crime!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 06:17:UTC)(
31 May 2009
VATICAN, Vatican — World was surprised by a decision made by Pope earlier today. After hours of thinking and debating with church cardinals, a decision was made that any form of masturbation should be forbidden! An emergency press conference was held immediately.
“You, as a human being are a part of your family and are thus, related to yourself. Since masturbating can be interpreted as having sex with yourself, that would mean you are having sex with someone from your own family – thus, masturbation is a form of INCEST!” – explained Pope on press conference – “It is blasphemous and from now on – FORBIDDEN.”
Christian world is totally shocked with this decision, and hundreds of people are already committing suicides, since masturbation was the only form of sex they had. When asked how people will be monitored, pope answered:
“I personally called God this morning and explained the problem to him. He apologized for not noticing it himself while writing The Bible. Also, God promised to help out by instantly vaporizing sinners with a bolt of lightning, at least until we can figure out a better solution. He is very busy now, after that almost-apocalypse incident.” – Pope added.
All this masturbation forbidding business was probably a bad idea, since many towns ended burning up after lightening storms flew over them.
“This must be changed!” – said dr. Phillip Praho, a scientist we found in a Spaghetti Sauce laboratory, just a few blocks away from Vatican – “These lightening storms of are very bad for my tan, since clouds cover up the sun! If this continues, I will end up being more white than those WoW junkies that never leave their room!” – he stated, afterward adding – “Oh yea, and too much water is raising the sea level, so few million people could drown.”
Jews all over the world feel relieved since they can still enjoy themselves. “Hi, I’m Daniel!” – said some Jewish kid we saw on the street. He seemed happy. Muslims on the other hand, are worried since their spiritual leaders stated – “We should forbid masturbation as well. We already copied everything else from Christians, so why not copy this as well?”
Satan invited everyone to Hell, since masturbation is still legal in there.