UnNews:Massive tentacled tumor extracted from man, escapes

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8 February 2011

Flying Spaghetti Monster 2

Artist's rendering of the tumor moments after its extraction.

SACRAMENTO, California -- Three members of a surgical team are dead and three more are wounded after a tumor extraction to remove what had been dubbed an "alien" tumor went awry.

Josh Abken, a Vice Principal from Chico, CA, complained of back pains to his doctor a year ago. Under x-ray examination, it was revealed that a massive tumor, by some reports as big as a soccer ball or cantaloupe, was living within Abken's chest. It was regarded by some as being 'alien' because it had tentacles reaching through its host's body.

"Other than its size, we thought that the tumor was benign," said thoracic surgeon Costanzo Di Perna. "It looked pretty mean in the CT scan, but we really had no idea."

A surgical team prepared for weeks for the procedure, noting that the tumor had clutched several of Abken's vital organs with its tentacles. The creature was growing at an alarming rate, pushing aside Abken's organs, and would soon have no where else to go but burst forth. "In retrospect the warning signs were there," said Dr. Di Perna. "We thought it was just making things difficult by making it hard to remove without harming the host. We never thought for a minute we were dealing with something like this. Oh, the humanity." To their horror, the surgical team discovered that they were dealing with a malevolent intelligence, and its grasping of Abken's organs was a self-defense mechanism against interference while it grew.

What happened, according to hospital security, was that moments after the tumor was removed, it became self-aware. A flurry of tentacles lashed out at the surgical team, brutally murdering three of them. Several other hospital staff were injured as the creature made its escape. It is being sought for questioning.

"I was asleep for the whole thing," said Abken, recovering in hospital after an otherwise successful surgery. "I had no idea what happened until they told me after." Abken initially regretted the loss of life, but his entire tone changed after a birth certificate was issued, making him the first known male mother. "Now I know what these mothers of criminals feel like," said Abken. "I hope the tumor turns itself in, you know, doesn't get hurt."

The County Sheriff is following up on leads, and federal officials have been notified in case the tumor tries to flee to the Mexican border. It is considered many-armed and dangerous. The Sheriff advises residents who see the tentacled tumor not to approach it but to immediately call police, the Ghostbusters, or Ellen Ripley.

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