UnNews:Massive impact crater discovered: scientists blame Fat Man
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5 June 2006
The explanation finally agreed upon by puzzled scientists is that the crater was a result of the actions of one "Big Dunc", a humongously obese man about whom legends still circulate. Big Dunc is said to have weighed more than a small forest, and it has been confirmed that the force created by the vigorous motion of such a man could easily have created the Massive Crater. Details are still vague, but it appears that the "vigorous motion" was that which occurred when Big Dunc discovered his penis, which was previously thought to have been missing. The legends say that, upon discovering his crushed and mutilated member hiding beneath one of his many Fat Rolls, Big Dunc began to masturbate immediately. The heat energy created by this movement alone is said to have caused the world's biggest ever forest fire; the final climax is what caused the crater, as Big Dunc "bounced" up and down in obscene pleasure.
Other theories are still being considered, such as Asteroid Impact or Volcano Eruption, but these are considered too fanciful to be taken seriously by the mainsteam scientific community. An event such as the Masturbation of Big Dunc is predicted to occur only once every 250 Million years, and scientists say another one is due any day now.