UnNews:Massive U.S. data breach affects everyone

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Massive U.S. data breach affects everyone

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 18:11:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

5 June 2015


EINSTEIN, shown here before the addition of a second 4K bank of core memory, is the nation's bulwark against Chinese hacking.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- China-based hackers have broken into another U.S. Government database, affecting everyone who deals with the government. That would be everyone except Warren Buffett, who has stopped selling stock entirely, and the nation's illegal aliens.

Homeland Security said computers at the Department of the Interior and the government's personnel department had been compromised. The breach was confirmed by Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine — a "diversity" member of the Intelligence Committee whom the Republican Party calls an expert on stealth attacks — who claimed the Chinese were trying to find Americans with security clearances.

Hong Lei at the Chinese Foreign Ministry said, China hoped the U.S. would be "less suspicious and stop making unverified allegations, but show more trust and participate more in cooperation." White House aides frantically scribbled down his words for possible use on House Speaker John Boehner.

Beijing routinely denies involvement in hacking, noting that China itself has been hacked — playing the "victim card," which President Obama also put to use last week when he claimed, "I am the biggest Jew who has ever sat in this office."

A U.S. official, who asked not to be named because he too was conducting an unauthorized disclosure of secrets, said the data breach could be even bigger news than the fact that a quarter-million more Americans filed for first-time unemployment benefits — a story that was leaked out two minutes after the hacking news, alongside the news that most of the record numbers who have "enrolled" in government health care don't pay the bill when it arrives in the mail.

The government is offering free credit monitoring for 18 months to everyone affected, a remedy using a popular website featured in commercials on talk radio that doesn't require disclosure of any personal information and never leads to additional unwanted communications.

Homeland Security has a vast heuristic network, called EINSTEIN, to identify potential intrusion threats, and six hours after the penetration, it reported that, yes, this was probably one. Cybersecurity expert Morgan Wright noted that EINSTEIN responded within hours and said the Administration should have used it to implement Obama-care, as the government health care website doesn't respond at all. Doing the right thing about foreign cyber-attacks is achieved by a different computer system, named RUMSFELD.

edit Sources

Personal tools