UnNews:Massive Earthquake, Giant Sink Hole Swallows Chile
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Massive Earthquake, Giant Sink Hole Swallows Chile
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 01:32 (UTC)
27 February 2010
MENDOZA, Argentina -- A massive earthquake (caused by a rupture of the Peru-Chile Trench) literally “broke” the Richter scale at an immeasurable force, followed by a giant sinkhole that actually swallowed the entire country of Chile, in South America, killing 280,000 in Valparaiso, Chile, killing 5,300,000 in Santiago, and killing 17,100,000 altogether.
“Estimates of the dead are easy to determine”, said Colombian Foreign Minister, J. Torres, who was clearly shook-up. “We simply have to check on Uncyclopedia to get the total population of Chile, and THAT is the number of dead!”
For some unknown reason the shape of the sinkhole is exactly the shape of Chile, with the cave in following the very border of Chile, all the way around the entire country. – “It’s uncanny,” said a Red Cross expert on holiday in Cuba. “It’s as if the sink hole was fully aware of the map and borders. That is really quite amazing!”
Francisca Marianna, nearly hysterical, was interviewed in Bogotá. She was holding her head and saying, "Ay Diós mio! ¿Qué le has hecho a mi querido país?" (Oh my God! What have you done to my beloved country?) – As if blaming God was sensible.
UnNews is of the opinion that God does NOT cause Earthquakes or any other disasters in nature, and suggests that they are simply the natural movements of the Earth’s crust as the planets take their course though the solar system.
“God caused this!?” Laughed Rev. Sedrick Parsons. “That’s absurd! Why, in the name of God, would God do a nasty thing like that? God's no dummy! He’s got loads of other things to do. If you want to blame anyone then blame the “Map maker”, because the sinkhole followed the borders exactly to the inch, around the entire nation, precisely. So don’t blame God for natures course! Or the stupidity of some dumb mapmaker”
UnNews is of the opinion it stands to reason that if the mapmaker would have arranged the borders differently, OR, not made any map at all, then a lot of deaths could have been averted or the entire disaster could have been avoided.
Unfortunately no one has any idea who made the map, and the mapmaker has most probably met his maker as the sinkhole swallowed the entire country of Chile. Now the bordering nations, especially Argentina, must build a fence all the way around the “Chile hole” so that some idiot does not manage to fall in. Meanwhile the hole is filled with ocean water, which, so far has caused the sea level to drop by 20 - 30 feet world-wide. This God-sent sea level drop has also freed-up many new islands and vast amounts of NEW Beach Front Property around the globe.
In Argentina, far from blaming God, they are singing God's praises; because they can hardly believe all the new beach front property along the new South Pacific Coast of Argentina, specially now that those Chilean kooks will no longer be hogging all the good waves. "Bitchin!" Manual De Jesus, president of the Argentina Surf Club told UnNews. "Dude! Like, this is truly a miracle of God! Now I'm a Local"
In unrelated news the Americans printed out 10 tones of records from the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program centre and covered them in concrete before putting them into a helicopter and the dropping them onto Hugo Chavez's house.
UnNews will keep you posted as the BS unfolds.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|