UnNews:Massage Bugs discovered in Uganda
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Massage Bugs discovered in Uganda
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 05:45:UTC)(
27 July 2013
Deepest Africa, UGANDA - Giant insects that deeply massage the human body have been discovered by white men in the deepest darkest jungles of Uganda. All Ugandans, of course, have known about these massage bugs for thousands of years, and keep them as pets.
"The Ugandan Massage Bug is attracted to muscular tension, and tries to eat it," says Ugandan University professor Kwame JoJounder. "When the insect alights on human skin it's strong legs grab the 'victim' in a death grip as they try to subdue their prey. To the human being it feels like a strong healing massage, and they are delighted to receive a refreshing deep-tissue session."
The frustrated insect, realizing that the prey's moans are not of pain but of tension being released, digs harder and harder and deeper and deeper into the tight stressed worry-filled muscles of their human host in a pulsing motion. And on those days when a self-perceived deadly swarm of the bugs picks a lucky someone from the crowd, they instantly divide it the body into sections/territories. Some of the bugs knead the neck and shoulders, others the thighs, upper arms, and tight calf muscles. They of course send their strongest members to either side of the spinal column in a vicious attack meant for all intents and purposes to subdue the victim, squeezing it with all its might right into unconciousness and then death.
"It feels wonderful!" says Hollywood actresss Téa Leoni. "I've kept a constant supply of them living in my spa room since they were discovered by white men, and the instant I walk in there they swarm on me like my fat men swarmm onto a cake filled with candy. I've never felt so relaxed in my life."
During the increasingly intense onslaught the swarm releases what they consider extremely toxic chemicals onto the human skin, which the bugs will instantly kill their victims and make them immobile for consumption. The human host experiences these scents as not unlike lavender and jasmine, and they provide a healing aromatherapy atmosphere to the spa-like experience. Those who experience the 'call to arms' buzzing that the bugs make during their 45-minute attack cycle will never forget it, as humans hear the bug's battle-roar as New Age music reminiscent of Enya, or the rhythmic chanting of Tibetan monks. Later, about the time massage recipient starts lighting candles and sipping wine, the bugs, signaling "to hell with it", move on to locate and conquer their next victim.
- Nature Magazine, August 2013
- Uganda Today, July 27, 2013