UnNews:Massacre at Brookfield Zoo
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Massacre at Brookfield Zoo
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 8, 2015, 05:23:UTC)(
24 August 2008
BROOKFIELD, Illinois – 978 people have been killed and 143 are in a critical condition following the violent uprising of the animals held at Brookfield Zoo. Following our previous report about the conditions in Brookfield Zoo, the zoo's fearsome tiger, Ruffles, was once again abruptly awoken. The culprit was a young boy named Jimmy Sox. "The nasty little kid was throwing rocks at me, yelling 'Hey you lazy cat, wake up and do something already!' " Ruffles told our reporter, with a strange glare in his eyes, "He kept throwing rocks and his aim was fucking accurate, it freaking pissed me off! I had to escape! I had to rip that irritating shit to shreds!"
Ruffles acted fast. He knocked over a tree growing close against the wall and sprinted over it, to the top of the wall. Then Ruffles leaped out of his confinement, towards his freedom and his terrified prey. "The boy was so scared... Man, I so enjoyed that look on his face, and I enjoyed shredding him to pieces even more."
Following Ruffles' getaway, zookeepers confronted him and fired tranquilizer darts in a bid to pacify the creature. Unfortunately for them, the big cat managed to evade most of the darts and seriously injured seven of the twelve keepers, killing several bystanders whilst doing so. In the process of wreaking havoc in the zoo, he inspired the other animals held there to 'break out and kill the humans' and aided their escape. A witness, Sarah Anderson, said: "It all happened so fast... One moment, I was staring lustfully at some walruses, and the next thing I knew some big orange furry thing leaped out in front of me and roared 'These obnoxious fools have plagued the Earth for too long; they must all be exterminated!'"
Ruffles rallied his troops and headed for the zoo's main compound planning to take out the zoo's management and thus eliminate the main source of resistance. As elephants and rhinoceroses charged the building, squirrels and monkeys with sticks invaded the structure through open windows and air vents. While the squirrels were chasing the humans around the building, slashing at them with their razor-sharp teeth, the monkeys pounded the disabled humans with their sticks as if they were piñatas, but filled with meat instead of candy. Soon thereafter, the larger predators moved in and cleansed the compound of any survivors.
As chaos ensued, most humans were quickly killed: Penguins devoured human flesh like voracious piranhas, while other birds concentrated on pecking out the eyes. Bears and big cats strategically forced zoo visitors to group together, after which they would joyously partake in meat grinding and skull bashing sprees. Herd animals proved very useful in trampling the screaming crowds of people. Elephants, rhinos and hippos saw pleasure in piercing human bodies and watching the blood gush out. The apes were notorious for slowly dismembering a few "lucky" chosen ones. Survivors of the initial violence were placed in cages and used in a variety of spectacles for the animals' entertainment.
After the animals had purged the zoo of human life, Ruffles renamed the area "Corpsfield Natural Zone, where nature rules and animals are free" and proclaimed "Animals of the world, unite against the humans: they must all die!" Local zoos are now worried that the message may spread and have put restrictions on animal communication. The government has yet to act on these events, probably because they are
lazy bastards waiting for events to unfold.
Furthermore, Ruffles has professed:
|Despite any kind of friendly or respectful behaviour they may show towards our kind, every human must be killed, as they are very skilled in the arts of deception and self-deception, the latter being the main cause of their radical ignorance. The human signifies all-destroying failure, veneration of meaninglessness, and ultimate annihilation. It is the self-destruction of existence. My One Commandment constitutes that all animals are morally obligated to aid in the eradication of humankind. When this goal is accomplished, we will return to the natural cycle of things, with animals mercilessly hunting and killing each other, thus eliminating the weakest specimens so as to instantiate natural selection, as we have done since the dawn of time.|
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- ↑ Tiger attacks visitors at US zoo. BBC News.
- ↑ Tiger Attack. YouTube.
- ↑ Oh Great! Now Monkeys Are Using Sticks On Humans!. Innocent Bystanders.
- ↑ The Animal Uprising Takes A Really Nasty Turn. Blue Crab Boulevard.
- ↑ Is humankind destined to end in death?. New York Times.
- ↑ Towards A Natural Peace. Greenpeace.
- ↑ Who's Afraid of Jerry Vlasak?. Animal Liberation Press Office.
- ↑ We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. RichardDawkins.net.
- ↑ Nibbles: Staying well fed. The Guardian.